The holiday season is approaching,
and with it comes the New Year.
Although for me time passes slowly,
New Year's Day will ring in quickly.
I dread this New Year's Day
because they will look at me
in a terribly strange way
when I get misty-eyed,
and talk about something you had done or expected to do.
After you first left me,
they reasoned when I cried,
"He's only been gone a few months."
And I would catch that look of
understanding in their eyes,
and found some comfort that they knew.
But on last New Year's Day,
my first thought upon awakening was,
Oh God, my son died last year,
but last year.
He will never live in this year.
They didn't understand, they didn't reason,
that last year, for me, the loss was still new.
They thought, "it happened last year,
so long ago, why does she still cry?"
I could see it in their eyes.
This New Year's Day, will it be different?
Will my first thought upon awakening be,
Oh God, my son died the year before last,
not a few months ago, not this year or even last year,
but the year before last?
He will never live in this year.
Will they even listen, should I not look them
in the eyes, for fear that I shall see,
"Why is she still crying? It happened so long ago.
It was the year before last."
Those words that we use
to describe the passage of time,
a few months, this year,
last year, the year before last.
The don't know that time stand still for me.
Will they understand that's why I cry?
Don't they know
my son just died....
"I asked GOD how much time do I have to live? And he said.....long enough to make a difference." ~~~"To the world you might be just one person. But to one person, you might be the world."
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
My First Christmas In Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees, Around the world below,
With tiny lights, like Heaven’s stars,
Reflecting in the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear.
For I am spending Christmas,
With Jesus Christ, this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music don’t compare
With the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you,
The joy their voices bring,
For it’s beyond description,
To hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain within your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren’t apart.
Be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you near,
Be glad I’m spending Christmas,
With Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift,
From my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory,
Of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift,
More precious than pure gold.
It was always most important
In the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other,
As my Father said to do,
For I can’t count the blessings,
He has for each of you.
So, have a Merry Christmas,
And, wipe away that tear,
Remember..I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year!
In loving memory of Zach, Eben, Betsy, Mitch, Max, Trish,
Sterling Michael, Katie Beth, Jessica & Matthew
I received this from the Stockwells~ I thought it was beautiful. (They held the conference this summer at Glen Eyrie for people who have lost their children.)
Christmas 2008
I see the countless Christmas trees, Around the world below,
With tiny lights, like Heaven’s stars,
Reflecting in the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear.
For I am spending Christmas,
With Jesus Christ, this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music don’t compare
With the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you,
The joy their voices bring,
For it’s beyond description,
To hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain within your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren’t apart.
Be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you near,
Be glad I’m spending Christmas,
With Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift,
From my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory,
Of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift,
More precious than pure gold.
It was always most important
In the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other,
As my Father said to do,
For I can’t count the blessings,
He has for each of you.
So, have a Merry Christmas,
And, wipe away that tear,
Remember..I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year!
In loving memory of Zach, Eben, Betsy, Mitch, Max, Trish,
Sterling Michael, Katie Beth, Jessica & Matthew
I received this from the Stockwells~ I thought it was beautiful. (They held the conference this summer at Glen Eyrie for people who have lost their children.)
Christmas 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Serenity lost her 1st tooth
Serenity has had a loose tooth and she lost her tooth at Maggiano's. Serenity in the car tonight says gues what.. "The tooth fairy and Santa are going to bump into each other tonight." She is so funny. Pictures to follow.
Blessings and love,
Team Davis
Blessings and love,
Team Davis
Christmas Eve
Today, Serenity and I went to church while Daddy was at work. When I went in they said to sit anywhere on the left side. So, I sat on the left side a few rows up from where people were sitting. I took my coat off and looked back to see Dr. Weary and his family. Now to some that may not seem unusual but, there are thousands of people that go to my church and today there were 6 services at our two locations. I thought that it was a blessing to see him and I have not seen him at church before today even though I know he goes to our church. I take everything as a sign from God and that he is still with me and knows that I need to know.
The service today was on our Tattered pages and letting GOD be our peace, hope and seeking him. He already knows all of the pages of our story. We need to humble ourselves before him. We had a candlelighting and it was beautiful when Pastor Matt said look at our room dark with the stories. Then our stories begin to light up the room one by one.
When we left we were given a CD of a beautiful song that was written. So in the car I put it in to listen to again. Serenity as she always does says "Mommy I know why you like this song." I say, "why?" She says "because it has your name and it says you are not alone." Before I can say a word. She then says "mommy, you are not alone, you have me." These are the best words I have heard all year. Now, of course being the over thinker I am I start to question why she is saying this because I really ensure my sad times are more controlled and when I can be alone. I have learned to fake it at times quite well. Serenity is too smart for me and we thank God for her everyday.
Our Christmas letter to Sterling Michael
To our precious baby,
May you forever know
We love you with all of our hearts
And miss you ever so
To our precious baby
May you forever know
The deepest sadness in our lives
Was having to let you go
To our precious baby
May you always know
That we think of you everyday
Your memory we will always treasure
To our precious baby
May you somehow realize
Even though your time with us was so short
You graciously touched so many of our lives
To our precious baby
We want you to understand
God needed you in Heaven
So He gently took your hand
To our precious baby
We will see you again someday
For now we will hold your memory close to our hearts
It is there you will forever stay.
Tonight my sweet prince will come
I wake in the morning with you on my mind
Your dad is still asleep, finally able to unwind
My heart starts to get heavy just missing you
I go about getting ready for the day feeling blue
Our life would be so different if you were here
My arms would not be aching to hold you near
Last night I say how big you have grown
My dream are filled with only you alone
The drive into work is quiet now
I planned to play nursery rhymes for you nice and low
Instead it is your cries that I long to hear
Once at work, your picture on my desk
I press my finger to your face and caress
Those around me try to be kind
But they don't know the sorrow you left behind
I try to stay busy they say the pain will ease
What I learned recently is there are no guarantees
When work is all done and I drive away
My thoughts turn to you and there they will stay
The evenings are now the worst
They should have been filled with your energy bursts
But instead I am left with an empty heart
I must be determined to not fall apart
My sleep is filled with thoughts of joy
It is then that I can finally see our little boy
In my dreams I am free to see you for to me you come
I get to see all that you would have become
Your golden hair blows gently in the breeze
Your dad and I chase you among the trees
You giggle and laugh as sissy chases your toes
As you lay in the grass you begin to doze
When you awake we are by your side
Our hearts are full of love and pride
We spend the day laughing and playing
May this day never end I am praying
You fall asleep in my arms
I put you to bed and set my alarm
When I open my eyes I start to smile
For again my sweet prince you have blessed me for a while
~Written by: Proud grandmother mary from NowISleep.com
The service today was on our Tattered pages and letting GOD be our peace, hope and seeking him. He already knows all of the pages of our story. We need to humble ourselves before him. We had a candlelighting and it was beautiful when Pastor Matt said look at our room dark with the stories. Then our stories begin to light up the room one by one.
When we left we were given a CD of a beautiful song that was written. So in the car I put it in to listen to again. Serenity as she always does says "Mommy I know why you like this song." I say, "why?" She says "because it has your name and it says you are not alone." Before I can say a word. She then says "mommy, you are not alone, you have me." These are the best words I have heard all year. Now, of course being the over thinker I am I start to question why she is saying this because I really ensure my sad times are more controlled and when I can be alone. I have learned to fake it at times quite well. Serenity is too smart for me and we thank God for her everyday.
Our Christmas letter to Sterling Michael
To our precious baby,
May you forever know
We love you with all of our hearts
And miss you ever so
To our precious baby
May you forever know
The deepest sadness in our lives
Was having to let you go
To our precious baby
May you always know
That we think of you everyday
Your memory we will always treasure
To our precious baby
May you somehow realize
Even though your time with us was so short
You graciously touched so many of our lives
To our precious baby
We want you to understand
God needed you in Heaven
So He gently took your hand
To our precious baby
We will see you again someday
For now we will hold your memory close to our hearts
It is there you will forever stay.
Tonight my sweet prince will come
I wake in the morning with you on my mind
Your dad is still asleep, finally able to unwind
My heart starts to get heavy just missing you
I go about getting ready for the day feeling blue
Our life would be so different if you were here
My arms would not be aching to hold you near
Last night I say how big you have grown
My dream are filled with only you alone
The drive into work is quiet now
I planned to play nursery rhymes for you nice and low
Instead it is your cries that I long to hear
Once at work, your picture on my desk
I press my finger to your face and caress
Those around me try to be kind
But they don't know the sorrow you left behind
I try to stay busy they say the pain will ease
What I learned recently is there are no guarantees
When work is all done and I drive away
My thoughts turn to you and there they will stay
The evenings are now the worst
They should have been filled with your energy bursts
But instead I am left with an empty heart
I must be determined to not fall apart
My sleep is filled with thoughts of joy
It is then that I can finally see our little boy
In my dreams I am free to see you for to me you come
I get to see all that you would have become
Your golden hair blows gently in the breeze
Your dad and I chase you among the trees
You giggle and laugh as sissy chases your toes
As you lay in the grass you begin to doze
When you awake we are by your side
Our hearts are full of love and pride
We spend the day laughing and playing
May this day never end I am praying
You fall asleep in my arms
I put you to bed and set my alarm
When I open my eyes I start to smile
For again my sweet prince you have blessed me for a while
~Written by: Proud grandmother mary from NowISleep.com
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Poems......
A lifetime wish
If I could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true.
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back:
I know because I've tried.
And neither will a million tears,
I know because I've cried.
You left behind a broken heart
And happy memories too.
But, I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.
~Author Unknown
The one thing I need
I cannot ask for
The one thing I need
No one can give me
The one thing I need
Has already been taken away
The one thing I need
I'll have to learn to live without
The one thing I need
I'm not really able to talk about
The one thing I need
I somehow still have beside me
The one thing I need
Remains an angel by my side
If I could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true.
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back:
I know because I've tried.
And neither will a million tears,
I know because I've cried.
You left behind a broken heart
And happy memories too.
But, I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.
~Author Unknown
The one thing I need
I cannot ask for
The one thing I need
No one can give me
The one thing I need
Has already been taken away
The one thing I need
I'll have to learn to live without
The one thing I need
I'm not really able to talk about
The one thing I need
I somehow still have beside me
The one thing I need
Remains an angel by my side
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Cards written today.......
So today has been a little rough but, a blessing. I never thought in a million years that I would be proud that my marriage is holding on after having a critically ill child and one who is in heaven. But, I am. Aaron is a great man, that I am honored and proud to have by my side. (It also doesn't hurt that he is cute).
I received a card today from one of my clients and it has touched my heart. First, she addressed it to Sterling also (We love that). Then this is how their card reads:
We wish you a most blessed Christmas and a happy and wonderful New Year!
How blessed we are having you in our lives!
We keep you all in special placed in our hearts.
Serenity, because of your beauty inside and out, your mommy and daddy are falling in love with you everyday. I can see it!
Sterling, we bet your angel wings are growing bigger and bigger each day!
Love, David, Chong & Max
Earlier in the day Serenity was talking again and writing a letter to baby brother. She says "baby brother, we all really wanted you here with us. We miss you so much and we wish you were here. But, I can't come see you now because my heart is still beeping (yes, it is beeping instead of beating - too cute). We will come see you soon. Love, Serenity." Her card reads in her beautiful handwriting "I miss my baby brother" after her insisting I help her spell this all. She put the card on blue paper because "Sterling loves blue." Put a picture on one side and sealed it up with Princess stickers. Now, as I know the grandparents are crying and getting ready to call me any second......This hurts BUT, I love when these stories comes out of no where. She is so innocent and sweet. It blesses my heart to know that she still thinks of him and takes the time to tell me stories. These are priceless!
Had I of known how our journey would go, I would still choose the same path. Sterling will always be our blessing!
I received a card today from one of my clients and it has touched my heart. First, she addressed it to Sterling also (We love that). Then this is how their card reads:
We wish you a most blessed Christmas and a happy and wonderful New Year!
How blessed we are having you in our lives!
We keep you all in special placed in our hearts.
Serenity, because of your beauty inside and out, your mommy and daddy are falling in love with you everyday. I can see it!
Sterling, we bet your angel wings are growing bigger and bigger each day!
Love, David, Chong & Max
Earlier in the day Serenity was talking again and writing a letter to baby brother. She says "baby brother, we all really wanted you here with us. We miss you so much and we wish you were here. But, I can't come see you now because my heart is still beeping (yes, it is beeping instead of beating - too cute). We will come see you soon. Love, Serenity." Her card reads in her beautiful handwriting "I miss my baby brother" after her insisting I help her spell this all. She put the card on blue paper because "Sterling loves blue." Put a picture on one side and sealed it up with Princess stickers. Now, as I know the grandparents are crying and getting ready to call me any second......This hurts BUT, I love when these stories comes out of no where. She is so innocent and sweet. It blesses my heart to know that she still thinks of him and takes the time to tell me stories. These are priceless!
Had I of known how our journey would go, I would still choose the same path. Sterling will always be our blessing!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
SHARE Christmas Service and Serenity
The song that you are listening too is one that every time Serenity hears she says "oh, mama this is your song." So one day I caught the name and listened to it. It is a very beautiful song. I am blessed to have Serenity! She is so incredible! A little side note is her art is being featured at school in the gallery. It is so cool!
Tonight was the Share Christmas Service and it was very nice. I took a couple of pics but, it is not really a picture taking event. Dinner was donated by Panera Bread. They started off the night with everyone sharing a little of their story. I had no desire to go up but, my precious Serenity really wanted me to so up I went with her by my side. I could just kick myself for not asking her if she had anything to say. UUGGH! Then we all lit candles and listened to a Christmas song. After that we all hung our ornaments on the tree. Then named off all of our babies who are wanted, loved and missed. It was a very nice service and it meant a lot that Serenity was with me. Thanks for such a special evening SHARE girls. The event was very hard but, nice. Please pray for all of them.
Then we came home to a card from a secret friend. Just what I needed whoever you are-perfect timing!! The card is addressed from Colorado Springs but, no return to sender address or name in the card. Tonight was just a card to say this person was thinking of us and gave us a few certificates to Baskin Robbins. THANK YOU! This is priceless to my heart and actually distracted me from a very sad night with Aaron out of town (not a good combo)!
The holidays are getting harder and I am praying that I can make it through them. I am doing all I can so please, be patient with me. We should be planning a baby's 1st Christmas but, I am still trying to design a marker for the cemetery. Designing a marker for my son is not what I would recommend around the holidays but, I really want it in by Christmas! I have taken too long but, I have done what I could! I will be sending proofs soon so be ready!
I have a swirling head, heart and soul of emotions and at times it is hard to even breathe. Sometimes I do good but, other times I feel like I am just beginning my journey. A hard moment this week is when Serenity tells a story (she remembers EVERYTHING)..."Remember when we were at Nana Vicki and Papa Alan's house and we were all singing Happy Birthday." I said "yes." "Serenity says well they all call you Treasure but, I call you mama." I say, "Yes, because to them I am Treasure and to you I am your mommy. Only you and baby brother am I mommy." She thinks a second and says, "yes, you are." "Oh, mommy I miss baby brother and wish I had someone to play with." Aaron and I's hearts break, we were so close. We did all we could! Even as I read this I want to delete the last sentence. But, I will not tonight! If I had known his life was in danger, I WOULD of gone to the hospital.
One last thing, tomorrow is the meeting with an artist for the scuplture for the Healing Garden at the Ronald McDonald house. I am so excited and will be posting pics of the garden. It looks incredible! What an honor to have a garden being dedicated in Sterling's memory. I LOVE RMH!
Tonight was the Share Christmas Service and it was very nice. I took a couple of pics but, it is not really a picture taking event. Dinner was donated by Panera Bread. They started off the night with everyone sharing a little of their story. I had no desire to go up but, my precious Serenity really wanted me to so up I went with her by my side. I could just kick myself for not asking her if she had anything to say. UUGGH! Then we all lit candles and listened to a Christmas song. After that we all hung our ornaments on the tree. Then named off all of our babies who are wanted, loved and missed. It was a very nice service and it meant a lot that Serenity was with me. Thanks for such a special evening SHARE girls. The event was very hard but, nice. Please pray for all of them.
Then we came home to a card from a secret friend. Just what I needed whoever you are-perfect timing!! The card is addressed from Colorado Springs but, no return to sender address or name in the card. Tonight was just a card to say this person was thinking of us and gave us a few certificates to Baskin Robbins. THANK YOU! This is priceless to my heart and actually distracted me from a very sad night with Aaron out of town (not a good combo)!
The holidays are getting harder and I am praying that I can make it through them. I am doing all I can so please, be patient with me. We should be planning a baby's 1st Christmas but, I am still trying to design a marker for the cemetery. Designing a marker for my son is not what I would recommend around the holidays but, I really want it in by Christmas! I have taken too long but, I have done what I could! I will be sending proofs soon so be ready!
I have a swirling head, heart and soul of emotions and at times it is hard to even breathe. Sometimes I do good but, other times I feel like I am just beginning my journey. A hard moment this week is when Serenity tells a story (she remembers EVERYTHING)..."Remember when we were at Nana Vicki and Papa Alan's house and we were all singing Happy Birthday." I said "yes." "Serenity says well they all call you Treasure but, I call you mama." I say, "Yes, because to them I am Treasure and to you I am your mommy. Only you and baby brother am I mommy." She thinks a second and says, "yes, you are." "Oh, mommy I miss baby brother and wish I had someone to play with." Aaron and I's hearts break, we were so close. We did all we could! Even as I read this I want to delete the last sentence. But, I will not tonight! If I had known his life was in danger, I WOULD of gone to the hospital.
One last thing, tomorrow is the meeting with an artist for the scuplture for the Healing Garden at the Ronald McDonald house. I am so excited and will be posting pics of the garden. It looks incredible! What an honor to have a garden being dedicated in Sterling's memory. I LOVE RMH!
Monday, December 8, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Fall 2008
Wow! I cannot believe how long it has been since I have written. I'm not sure if that is good or not because I have a lot to say!
As you can tell we have been very busy this summer and it has been just what I have needed. Precious time with our families, trips to California, time together as a family. It has all been very healing.
A huge thank you to our families who made two trips out to California possible to be spoiled, pampered, and loved on. The beach and french fries are two of my favorite things. That's funny am I turning into Mary Poppins ? Nah.
I am getting ready to post pictures of Serenity being Hannah Montana for Halloween. We took her to her school carnival as well. She had a great time! The cutest story was when we were playing the games and Serenity insisted on playing the hockey goal game. She says "watch, me. I'm gonna make two goals." She did!
She is so cute as Hannah Montana (thanks mom & dad for the costume) and it was actually a warm Halloween here. We spent the night with the Coleman's for our annual tradition and went Trick-or-Treating in their neighborhood, then we went to the Vista Grande Baptist Church for their Halloween carnival. It was great.
The other pics I'm posting are of Serenity and two of her cousins Aiden & Chase playing in the leaves. They are great with each other and they all have a great time together. These are precious moments. Let them be little......
The last pics are of Serenity's Thanksgiving feast. They had this feast with another Kindergarten class. Serenity's class were the pilgrims and the other class were the Indians. They had a lot of fun! We brought cupcakes decorated like turkeys and they were a hit. Yeah, I know it should be fruit and veggies.
As you can tell we have been very busy this summer and it has been just what I have needed. Precious time with our families, trips to California, time together as a family. It has all been very healing.
A huge thank you to our families who made two trips out to California possible to be spoiled, pampered, and loved on. The beach and french fries are two of my favorite things. That's funny am I turning into Mary Poppins ? Nah.
I am getting ready to post pictures of Serenity being Hannah Montana for Halloween. We took her to her school carnival as well. She had a great time! The cutest story was when we were playing the games and Serenity insisted on playing the hockey goal game. She says "watch, me. I'm gonna make two goals." She did!
She is so cute as Hannah Montana (thanks mom & dad for the costume) and it was actually a warm Halloween here. We spent the night with the Coleman's for our annual tradition and went Trick-or-Treating in their neighborhood, then we went to the Vista Grande Baptist Church for their Halloween carnival. It was great.
The other pics I'm posting are of Serenity and two of her cousins Aiden & Chase playing in the leaves. They are great with each other and they all have a great time together. These are precious moments. Let them be little......
The last pics are of Serenity's Thanksgiving feast. They had this feast with another Kindergarten class. Serenity's class were the pilgrims and the other class were the Indians. They had a lot of fun! We brought cupcakes decorated like turkeys and they were a hit. Yeah, I know it should be fruit and veggies.
Monday, October 27, 2008
New song on Playlist....
I had written this song down a few months ago but, did nothing with it. Then tonight I decided to blog and change my songs. This song just came to mind and I of course looked it up. I am a Casting Crowns fan but, had never heard this song. I clicked on it in playlist and it started to play and I of course started to cry. I love this song and I hope that after the 1st time hearing it and crying that you will hear the powerful words.
I have really been struggling with birthdays and if you have had one I am sorry~ every time I try to buy a card I loose my mind. I am not sure why this is so hard but, my sweet husband has not received a birthday card, an anniversary card or presents from me. I have tried many times for him and many other people but, cannot do it. I am sorry!
This of course, leads into more fears that I have regarding the upcoming holidays that are looming around the corner at me. I pray that GOD gives me the strength to make it through them and be strong but, you never know since cards seem impossible for me to purchase.
We also went to the cemetary this past weekend to find another baby buried by Sterling. In case you have lost count this is 7 in six months. This is such an outrageous event and I am horrified by it! I am so sad that another family has to be enduring our journey with us.
Something that has really been weighing on my mind is our parents. I want to know how you are all holding up? There is really no support out there for grandparents and I know that you feel the loss for two. I also know that the loss is different than mine and so many times you all feel like you have to be strong for us. Is there anything that you all need or anything that we can do to show our support for you all?
On a very good and positive note.....Beth from the Ronald McDonald house is going to ask the board to allocate money to our Healing Garden so that we can get all of the items that we want for the garden i.e. custom bronze life-size statues (we have a vision of this to be of 4 children playing and it will feature Serenity and Sterling together), our fence, arbor, pavers, concrete benches, remaining grasses and flowers. We still have a lot to do but, the garden is really coming along and we are still making progress day by day. Chris, Beth, Susan, Aaron, Lyn and all of the volunteers are really moving this project along. It will be such a bittersweet day when the dedication comes around.
I have really been struggling with birthdays and if you have had one I am sorry~ every time I try to buy a card I loose my mind. I am not sure why this is so hard but, my sweet husband has not received a birthday card, an anniversary card or presents from me. I have tried many times for him and many other people but, cannot do it. I am sorry!
This of course, leads into more fears that I have regarding the upcoming holidays that are looming around the corner at me. I pray that GOD gives me the strength to make it through them and be strong but, you never know since cards seem impossible for me to purchase.
We also went to the cemetary this past weekend to find another baby buried by Sterling. In case you have lost count this is 7 in six months. This is such an outrageous event and I am horrified by it! I am so sad that another family has to be enduring our journey with us.
Something that has really been weighing on my mind is our parents. I want to know how you are all holding up? There is really no support out there for grandparents and I know that you feel the loss for two. I also know that the loss is different than mine and so many times you all feel like you have to be strong for us. Is there anything that you all need or anything that we can do to show our support for you all?
On a very good and positive note.....Beth from the Ronald McDonald house is going to ask the board to allocate money to our Healing Garden so that we can get all of the items that we want for the garden i.e. custom bronze life-size statues (we have a vision of this to be of 4 children playing and it will feature Serenity and Sterling together), our fence, arbor, pavers, concrete benches, remaining grasses and flowers. We still have a lot to do but, the garden is really coming along and we are still making progress day by day. Chris, Beth, Susan, Aaron, Lyn and all of the volunteers are really moving this project along. It will be such a bittersweet day when the dedication comes around.
October 15th
October 15th was an amazing event!
Jared Anderson performed a song called Heaven that he wrote after he lost his first child. This song is a heart song and to most "it speaks to their soul". I would agree with that as well. Aaron and I were very honored to spend a few minutes with Jared and his wife Megan.
Stu, did an amazing job with planning the event, being supportive, and making the event so nice. It is always so nice to spend time with Stu after all he has supported us through! He truly is an amazing guy!
Dr. Weary had just arrived in town and showed up much to my surprise! Aaron and I were happy to see him as I am sure that other families were as well.
Our family and friends continue to amaze us by supporting us in all we do. We appreciate the support, love & prayers.
There is one story that I would like to share from parents who came and sent us an email after the event. They came to the event from Denver.
They have lost seven children. 1 (12) week miscarriage, 5 ectopic's where she lost her tubes, then she had IVF and was pregnant with boy/girl twins. At 21-22 weeks her little girl was born alive for a few hours and her son was stillborn. She is now 25 weeks pregnant with a little girl who is due in January. Please pray for her and her family that she delivers a healthy baby girl!
We will see what GOD has in store for next year. My heart and soul are open to what he has in store.
Jared Anderson performed a song called Heaven that he wrote after he lost his first child. This song is a heart song and to most "it speaks to their soul". I would agree with that as well. Aaron and I were very honored to spend a few minutes with Jared and his wife Megan.
Stu, did an amazing job with planning the event, being supportive, and making the event so nice. It is always so nice to spend time with Stu after all he has supported us through! He truly is an amazing guy!
Dr. Weary had just arrived in town and showed up much to my surprise! Aaron and I were happy to see him as I am sure that other families were as well.
Our family and friends continue to amaze us by supporting us in all we do. We appreciate the support, love & prayers.
There is one story that I would like to share from parents who came and sent us an email after the event. They came to the event from Denver.
They have lost seven children. 1 (12) week miscarriage, 5 ectopic's where she lost her tubes, then she had IVF and was pregnant with boy/girl twins. At 21-22 weeks her little girl was born alive for a few hours and her son was stillborn. She is now 25 weeks pregnant with a little girl who is due in January. Please pray for her and her family that she delivers a healthy baby girl!
We will see what GOD has in store for next year. My heart and soul are open to what he has in store.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Anniversary/Walk to Remember
We had a nice anniversary and went to do the walk in memory of Sterling. It is so hard when someone says "he is so perfect, what happened?" I know that they have the best of intentions but, he was so perfect and I don't know is so hard.
The walk was organized by SHARE, they are the best group of "sisters" that I am honored to know and have support and hold me up at times.
The walk was so nice and was really special to me. I even won a door prize that I love. It is a very special cross that reads "Little I knew that morning, God was going to call your name, in life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same. It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone, for part of me went with you, the day God called you home. You left us beautiful memories, your love is still our guide, and though we cannot see you, you are always by our side. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same, but as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again." I hope to have pics posted when I get them. Even though this poem reads ....lose you, I did not lose Sterling. I know where he is.
We had a nice remembrance walk and it was a beautiful day with Stealth's flying over us, bombers and other planes for the Air Force/Navy game.
Later that day Aaron and I went to church and to see the movie Fireproof (which my dad HIGHLY recommended). It was a very good movie and we are going to the Fireproof conference at our church on Nov. 1st -oh, yeah I forgot to tell Aaron :)
I heard a woman on TV talking about her breast cancer today from GMA she said "everyone has something". But, the best thing I heard all day was "make your mess your message." I do not feel that Sterling was my mess but, I can appreciate the concept.
Serenity continues to crack us up and love us. She is a miracle and we are so blessed to have her here with us. She went roller skating with Awanas tonight and she is so fast and so independent. I never knew those little, long legs would go that fast. She is doing great in school and has so many cute little friends. She truly continues to amaze us every day and I am proud to be her mommy.
Along this journey there have been good days, and some very bad days. You learn to be a clown and put on your make-up and get on with the day-to-day things. People do not want to hear "it all". Please continue to pray for us and all of the families that are struggling. I know of one mom who is struggling very severely with depression, I have recommended her to get support like my Stephen Minister and a close sphere for the "going no where fast moments."
Thanks for continuing to support us and one more prayer request. Please pray for October 15th. This event is so special to my heart. I have tried to be disobedient to God many times and not pursue the event. But, God has opened the door and the door has smacked me in the back of the head many times (opening so hard). God spoke to me about the event much earlier in my journey.
The vision for the event was to bring someone a glimmer of hope who is a non-believer and to heal a heart for a mom, dad and/or family member that was told to "get over it" and not allowed to grieve.
This will be non-denominational and everyone is welcome regardless of their church affiliation. I really want it to be a community event. Jared Anderson from New Life will be performing and Dr. Weary (my OB) has been INCREDIBLY supportive. There have been a lot of incredible people making this event happen and regardless of my feelings at the moment it has continued to grow stronger. Stu Davis, one of the pastors at New life and Lana Rockwell are two of the best people and have really been there through all of this.
Please light a candle at 7pm your time. Blessings to you all!
The walk was organized by SHARE, they are the best group of "sisters" that I am honored to know and have support and hold me up at times.
The walk was so nice and was really special to me. I even won a door prize that I love. It is a very special cross that reads "Little I knew that morning, God was going to call your name, in life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same. It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone, for part of me went with you, the day God called you home. You left us beautiful memories, your love is still our guide, and though we cannot see you, you are always by our side. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same, but as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again." I hope to have pics posted when I get them. Even though this poem reads ....lose you, I did not lose Sterling. I know where he is.
We had a nice remembrance walk and it was a beautiful day with Stealth's flying over us, bombers and other planes for the Air Force/Navy game.
Later that day Aaron and I went to church and to see the movie Fireproof (which my dad HIGHLY recommended). It was a very good movie and we are going to the Fireproof conference at our church on Nov. 1st -oh, yeah I forgot to tell Aaron :)
I heard a woman on TV talking about her breast cancer today from GMA she said "everyone has something". But, the best thing I heard all day was "make your mess your message." I do not feel that Sterling was my mess but, I can appreciate the concept.
Serenity continues to crack us up and love us. She is a miracle and we are so blessed to have her here with us. She went roller skating with Awanas tonight and she is so fast and so independent. I never knew those little, long legs would go that fast. She is doing great in school and has so many cute little friends. She truly continues to amaze us every day and I am proud to be her mommy.
Along this journey there have been good days, and some very bad days. You learn to be a clown and put on your make-up and get on with the day-to-day things. People do not want to hear "it all". Please continue to pray for us and all of the families that are struggling. I know of one mom who is struggling very severely with depression, I have recommended her to get support like my Stephen Minister and a close sphere for the "going no where fast moments."
Thanks for continuing to support us and one more prayer request. Please pray for October 15th. This event is so special to my heart. I have tried to be disobedient to God many times and not pursue the event. But, God has opened the door and the door has smacked me in the back of the head many times (opening so hard). God spoke to me about the event much earlier in my journey.
The vision for the event was to bring someone a glimmer of hope who is a non-believer and to heal a heart for a mom, dad and/or family member that was told to "get over it" and not allowed to grieve.
This will be non-denominational and everyone is welcome regardless of their church affiliation. I really want it to be a community event. Jared Anderson from New Life will be performing and Dr. Weary (my OB) has been INCREDIBLY supportive. There have been a lot of incredible people making this event happen and regardless of my feelings at the moment it has continued to grow stronger. Stu Davis, one of the pastors at New life and Lana Rockwell are two of the best people and have really been there through all of this.
Please light a candle at 7pm your time. Blessings to you all!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Serenity Reading....
Serenity read her 1st sight word book on Sunday the 21st....can you believe it?
Our New Normal........
During the last 5 months I have been terrified what has been referred to as the "new normal". I knew that I was not perfect and that I have a lot of things I need to work on. But, overall I did not feel like I was a bad person. I also felt like my life was about to become "perfect." Then we lost Sterling Michael, the other half of my heart.
But, with meeting with Maria, people from Church, my family and friends. I have come to slowly accept the "new normal" and realize that can be filled with moments of laughter and hope. I pray for the day when it is more than moments.
Maria has been teaching me so much about myself like to stand up for myself when my feelings are hurt. Also, to learn to say "no" to somethings I am asked to do. This has been challenging but, I am working on it.
I met with Stu, he led our funeral service for Sterling. He is a pastor at our FABULOUS church but, more importantly he is a great guy who loves GOD, his family and others. He has continued to be there for Aaron and I and is planning the OCT. 15th event with me. This is fast approaching and is needing a lot of attention and support. Stu's wife is pregnant with a precious baby boy and he has still been there even though I am sure it has been hard. I pray for their family. I thank him for caring our "Team Davis."
My family has continued to be so great on SO many things. I just really want to thank all of you. I know during our journey I have not been thankful. But, I am thankful and feel very loved and fortunate to have all of my family. Most of you know that Aaron and I have a HUGE family. Thank you for dropping everything to be by our sides when Sterling went to Heaven. This has meant more to us than you all can know or imagine.
We have been working so hard on the Healing Garden at the Ronald McDonald house. The garden is in Sterling's memory & I am sooo proud of. I have great people that I work on it (Chris, Beth, Susan...etc) with and Aaron has been working on it every weekend. I am so proud of him for taking the project on. We have all of the sprinkler work done, 90% of the planting, edging in, a massive custom waterfall (donated by Paradise Ponds in Monument), and a concrete heart custom designed by Lyn (Aaron's mom) and Allan in the middle of the garden. The concrete heart is more than what I could of hoped for and you know I have high expectations. There is still a ton of work to do but, it is really coming together now and I am honored to have this garden to honor Serenity and remember Sterling. We have had so many incredible volunteers and they have worked so hard. We even had our best friends Louie and Heather make a BIG donation to the garden in Sterling's memory and bring the blue balloons on Aaron's birthday which reminds me of Sterling.
I have a lot to be thankful for!
I may have lost a few "friends" but, I know that they are just not sure of what to say. The best advice I can give is to not say anything but, just be there. I know that there are no magic words....I've tried them all. But, just to call and say hi and I am thinking of you. A handful of friends have been so supportive and I CANNOT imagine them not being in my life.
You absolutely find out who your friends are......
The cards I received helped me so much for the first 5 weeks. I never knew how much I loved mail!
One of my friends who was also one of my last clients before Sterling went to Heaven took me aside the other day to say when it is my time for heaven, don't walk.....run to Sterling.
You had better believe it, no matter how I have to get there I could beat any Olympic record that day.
My office has been so supportive and caring. I have really needed to rebuild my confidence for work. You have to be on your A game for real estate, which I am still struggling with. But, my managing broker and even the owner of my company has really reached out so that I know they are there. They have both gone through the loss of having a child go to Heaven.
I have also gained some incredible "sisters" who know exactly what I feel like now. Most of them are from my SHARE group which if you are not aware of please Google this non-profit. They are so helpful in healing. Most people would think going over it month after month would be sad. But, it is not. We get issues, concerns and feelings out that we are free to express without judgment! We are also not allowed to say sorry for crying! If anyone would like to come with me it is also open to husbands, friends and grandparents. When you hear other stories about life, unfortunately, you always are made aware that someone ALWAYS has it worse than you do. This is crazy to think of but, it also gives a chance to be thankful and hopeful for what you DO have. Now, I am not always following my own ideas or advice but, I am really working on it.
My last three thank you's go to Aaron, Serenity and Sterling. I am blessed to have you all apart of me. Aaron has put up with so much. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm on the floor. Thank goodness we have shielded Serenity from all of this. I know that I have been hard to live with...sometimes I do not even want to be around myself. But, he continues to be a great dad and supportive of my feelings!
Serenity and Sterling are my heart. Serenity still continues to tell stories of her baby brother and I love them. She is doing so good in school and we are so blessed that everyone is so supportive of us. She is a smart, beautiful, funny, loving and caring girl......that we are blessed to have in our lives. Sterling Michael has opened my eyes to the world and has made me so aware of things that I was not aware of. Somethings I want you all to know about:
SADS is an acronym for "Sudden Antenatal Death Syndrome" a clinical term for "stillbirth". Similar sounding to "Sudden Infant Death Syndrome" SADS claims over 10 times as many babies' every year as does SIDS.
An estimated 26,000 SADS deaths occur annually in the U. S., many of them at or near full term. Stated another way, 1 in every 115 deliveries is a "still" baby. Despite advances in so many areas of obstetrics, the incidence of stillbirths in many states has been rising in over the past decade.
Stillbirths are as random as raindrops. 1 in every 115 deliveries is a "still" baby.
My personal prayer request~Please pray for my anxiety.
Thank you for reading! It means a lot to me!
But, with meeting with Maria, people from Church, my family and friends. I have come to slowly accept the "new normal" and realize that can be filled with moments of laughter and hope. I pray for the day when it is more than moments.
Maria has been teaching me so much about myself like to stand up for myself when my feelings are hurt. Also, to learn to say "no" to somethings I am asked to do. This has been challenging but, I am working on it.
I met with Stu, he led our funeral service for Sterling. He is a pastor at our FABULOUS church but, more importantly he is a great guy who loves GOD, his family and others. He has continued to be there for Aaron and I and is planning the OCT. 15th event with me. This is fast approaching and is needing a lot of attention and support. Stu's wife is pregnant with a precious baby boy and he has still been there even though I am sure it has been hard. I pray for their family. I thank him for caring our "Team Davis."
My family has continued to be so great on SO many things. I just really want to thank all of you. I know during our journey I have not been thankful. But, I am thankful and feel very loved and fortunate to have all of my family. Most of you know that Aaron and I have a HUGE family. Thank you for dropping everything to be by our sides when Sterling went to Heaven. This has meant more to us than you all can know or imagine.
We have been working so hard on the Healing Garden at the Ronald McDonald house. The garden is in Sterling's memory & I am sooo proud of. I have great people that I work on it (Chris, Beth, Susan...etc) with and Aaron has been working on it every weekend. I am so proud of him for taking the project on. We have all of the sprinkler work done, 90% of the planting, edging in, a massive custom waterfall (donated by Paradise Ponds in Monument), and a concrete heart custom designed by Lyn (Aaron's mom) and Allan in the middle of the garden. The concrete heart is more than what I could of hoped for and you know I have high expectations. There is still a ton of work to do but, it is really coming together now and I am honored to have this garden to honor Serenity and remember Sterling. We have had so many incredible volunteers and they have worked so hard. We even had our best friends Louie and Heather make a BIG donation to the garden in Sterling's memory and bring the blue balloons on Aaron's birthday which reminds me of Sterling.
I have a lot to be thankful for!
I may have lost a few "friends" but, I know that they are just not sure of what to say. The best advice I can give is to not say anything but, just be there. I know that there are no magic words....I've tried them all. But, just to call and say hi and I am thinking of you. A handful of friends have been so supportive and I CANNOT imagine them not being in my life.
You absolutely find out who your friends are......
The cards I received helped me so much for the first 5 weeks. I never knew how much I loved mail!
One of my friends who was also one of my last clients before Sterling went to Heaven took me aside the other day to say when it is my time for heaven, don't walk.....run to Sterling.
You had better believe it, no matter how I have to get there I could beat any Olympic record that day.
My office has been so supportive and caring. I have really needed to rebuild my confidence for work. You have to be on your A game for real estate, which I am still struggling with. But, my managing broker and even the owner of my company has really reached out so that I know they are there. They have both gone through the loss of having a child go to Heaven.
I have also gained some incredible "sisters" who know exactly what I feel like now. Most of them are from my SHARE group which if you are not aware of please Google this non-profit. They are so helpful in healing. Most people would think going over it month after month would be sad. But, it is not. We get issues, concerns and feelings out that we are free to express without judgment! We are also not allowed to say sorry for crying! If anyone would like to come with me it is also open to husbands, friends and grandparents. When you hear other stories about life, unfortunately, you always are made aware that someone ALWAYS has it worse than you do. This is crazy to think of but, it also gives a chance to be thankful and hopeful for what you DO have. Now, I am not always following my own ideas or advice but, I am really working on it.
My last three thank you's go to Aaron, Serenity and Sterling. I am blessed to have you all apart of me. Aaron has put up with so much. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm on the floor. Thank goodness we have shielded Serenity from all of this. I know that I have been hard to live with...sometimes I do not even want to be around myself. But, he continues to be a great dad and supportive of my feelings!
Serenity and Sterling are my heart. Serenity still continues to tell stories of her baby brother and I love them. She is doing so good in school and we are so blessed that everyone is so supportive of us. She is a smart, beautiful, funny, loving and caring girl......that we are blessed to have in our lives. Sterling Michael has opened my eyes to the world and has made me so aware of things that I was not aware of. Somethings I want you all to know about:
SADS is an acronym for "Sudden Antenatal Death Syndrome" a clinical term for "stillbirth". Similar sounding to "Sudden Infant Death Syndrome" SADS claims over 10 times as many babies' every year as does SIDS.
An estimated 26,000 SADS deaths occur annually in the U. S., many of them at or near full term. Stated another way, 1 in every 115 deliveries is a "still" baby. Despite advances in so many areas of obstetrics, the incidence of stillbirths in many states has been rising in over the past decade.
Stillbirths are as random as raindrops. 1 in every 115 deliveries is a "still" baby.
My personal prayer request~Please pray for my anxiety.
Thank you for reading! It means a lot to me!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Aaron's Birthday.....Mom's beware!
Yesterday was my love's 36th birthday. Can you believe we have been dating since he was 21?
He is absolutely one of the best men I have ever known (I think I am surrounded by the rest of the greatest guys). I am so proud to have him as my husband.
I must admit that I am a little Type A, I like everything perfect and planned. As you all know my life has been anything but,
But, I keep on working at it.
I insist that my husband buy my card days before my birthday, and I am normally so planned.
But this year was unlike any other I woke up to forgetting for a moment that it was Aaron's birthday. Why? I have no idea. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I am broken and a new person I must be.
My poor mom called me at that moment while I was loosing all control and I know it must break her to hear my cries. Parents want to make it all better, but they can't.
(No daddy mud will fix this.....although it has fixed a lot and is a miracle mud)
It is still a daily choice and sometime minute by minute choice to go on.
I held a beautiful and fun party to celebrate my incredible husband.
There is no one I would rather have by my side for the rest of my life & eternity.
He is absolutely one of the best men I have ever known (I think I am surrounded by the rest of the greatest guys). I am so proud to have him as my husband.
I must admit that I am a little Type A, I like everything perfect and planned. As you all know my life has been anything but,
But, I keep on working at it.
I insist that my husband buy my card days before my birthday, and I am normally so planned.
But this year was unlike any other I woke up to forgetting for a moment that it was Aaron's birthday. Why? I have no idea. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I am broken and a new person I must be.
My poor mom called me at that moment while I was loosing all control and I know it must break her to hear my cries. Parents want to make it all better, but they can't.
(No daddy mud will fix this.....although it has fixed a lot and is a miracle mud)
It is still a daily choice and sometime minute by minute choice to go on.
I held a beautiful and fun party to celebrate my incredible husband.
There is no one I would rather have by my side for the rest of my life & eternity.
Poems and Sayings......Heartbreaking & Touching!
"We were blessed to have you with us, if only for a day
The love we have for you, no one can ever take away.
O how we wish you could have stayed a little longer,
To fill our life's up with joy, hope and laughter.
Although you're not here with us, you're never too far,
Your memory lives in our hearts, in a breeze, on a star.
We look up to Heaven, and know you are there,
Playing with the angels and laughing while pulling their hair!
We were blessed to have you with us, if only for a while,
We think of you happily playing in Heaven, grinning your cute little smile."
~Author~ Tammy Becker- NILMDTS Member, Parent
As Long As I Live, You Will Live
As Long As I Live, You Will Be Remembered
As Long As I Live, You Will Be Loved...
Author unknown
"To Remember Is Painful
To Forget Is Impossible."
~Maureen Connelly
"A Life may last for just a moment....
but a memory can make that moment last forever..."
"Loved with a love beyond telling,
Missed with a grief beyond all tears."
Sometimes, Love is for a moment.
Sometimes, Love is for a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime.
"Only love gives us the taste of Eternity" - Jewish Proverb
In love, our baby was conceived, With joy, the good news was received. In hope, we waited the long months through, With sadness, we gave him back to You. With love, You reached down your gentle hand. In pain, though we could not understand .With strength, You turned our weakness around. In You, our Hope and Peace is found -author unknown-
"I wrote your name in the sand...but the waves washed it away,I wrote your name in the sky..but the wind blew it away,I wrote your name in my heart...and forever it would stay."
"Where there are no memories, let the heart find the memories that would have been."
Families are Forever
You came here for a moment,
Just a spec in time,
But as you see dear child,
Forever you'll be mine!
Families are Forever
and forever ours will be.
So, although our time was brief
I know you'll be waiting for me.
You were too perfect and special
to stay here very long.
Some people say, "How unfortunate."
But I say they are wrong!
Our family's very lucky.
A choice spirit came to us.
We gave him all he needed,
And all he knew was love.
Our time together here on earth
was moments it is true...
But nothing will take away
that day when forever we'll be with you!-Bree Anderson
GOD
I asked for strength,...and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for wisdom,...and God gave me problems to solve.
I asked for prosperity,...and God gave me brain and brawn to work.
I asked for courage,...and God gave me danger to overcome.
I asked for love,...and God gave me troubled people to help.
I asked for favors,...and God gave me opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted,...I received everything I needed.
GOD knows when you are tired and discouraged from fruitless effort.
GOD knows how hard you have tried,when you've cried so long, your heart is in anguish.
GOD has counted your tears. If you feel that your life is on hold and time has passed you by,GOD is waiting for you.
When nothing makes sense and you are confused or frustrated,GOD has the answer.
If, suddenly, your outlook is brighter and you find traces of hope,GOD has whispered to you.
What My Child Has Taught Me
I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I've learned that learning to forgive takes a lot of practice.
I've learned that friends can become strangers, and strangers can become friends.
I've learned that ignorance isn't an excuse for the lack of compassion.
I've learned that some people will never, ever - "get it".
I've learned that the community of sorrow is the strongest of all.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of minutes.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that love isn't measured by the amount of time you have with someone.
I've learned that some sorrow is so deep that it has no words. But so is love.
What has your child taught you?
What is Normal?
Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Christmas, birthday, Valentine's day, and Easter.
Normal is discussing with a friend in the Netherlands how different
funeral customs are there than here. Discussing how much both our children loved the things they loved and how those things are now sitting lonely collecting dust.
Normal is talking to a co-worker and the conversation going toward how you felt after your child died.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or a birthday party. Yet, feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers, see that casket, and all the crying people.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming cause you just don't like to sit through church anymore.
Normal is going to bed feeling like your kids who are alive got cheated out of happy cheerful parents and instead they are stuck with sober,cautious people.
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your families' life.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's and why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every little girl or boy who looks about my angels age. And then thinking of the age my angel would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is seeing my daughter at the cemetery visiting her brothers grave and thinking, how could this be normal? She shouldn't have to be going through this.
Normal is singing a song and feeling really great about doing well,followed by an immediate down after thinking how my child would have said, "That was beautiful Momma" (whether it really was or not).
Normal is telling the story of my child's death as if it were an everyday common place activity and then gasping in horror at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become part of our normal.
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive those days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion. HappyBirthday? Not really.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of a penguin. Thinking how they would love it, but how they're here to enjoy it.
Normal is disliking jokes about death, funerals. Bodies being referred to as cadavers when you know they were once someone's loved one.
Normal is being impatient with everything but someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother and meeting for coffee and talking and crying together over our children and our new lives. And worrying together over our living children.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned house or did laundry or if there is any food in the house.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two or three children because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that one of them is in heaven. And yet when you say only two to avoid that problem you feel horrible as if you have betrayed that child.
Normal is feeling terribly hurt when you see your child's power point presentation at parent/teacher's conference and that child has listed no brother. Then you realize the way the information is set up there really is no logical place to list the brother who has died and went to heaven. And how awkward that must of been for him to think about the problem.
Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small happy children that break your heart when you see them.
Normal is wondering angrily a month later why your husband isn't still crying, while he wonders angrily why you haven't stopped.
Normal is planning alternate routes through stores so you don't have to be confronted with the "dreaded aisles," while nevertheless dodging strollers no matter which way you go.
Normal is not knowing whether or not you can accept an invitation to your cousin's wedding next month because you don't know if you will be having one of your breakdowns that day.
Normal is being afraid to surf the internet, watch TV, read a book or listen to the radio because of the world conspiring to salt your wounds by saying/showing the wrong things.
Normal is wanting another baby in your arms so badly you can taste it, but feeling so disloyal and being so, so afraid.
Normal is having an angel pin specifically designed for your child...not as a gift, but as a memorial.
Normal is sometimes forgetting that our own parents' hearts are broken twice...once for their lost grandchild, and again for their child who is lost in a sense just as final.
Normal is sitting outside at night, staring into the sky, wondering why you aren't one of the people blessed enough to see a sign or experience a miracle that you know is being sent just to comfort you.
Normal is sometimes not being able to bear looking at photo albums, and other times being so grateful they're covered in plastic so your endless flow of tears won't ruin the pictures...
The love we have for you, no one can ever take away.
O how we wish you could have stayed a little longer,
To fill our life's up with joy, hope and laughter.
Although you're not here with us, you're never too far,
Your memory lives in our hearts, in a breeze, on a star.
We look up to Heaven, and know you are there,
Playing with the angels and laughing while pulling their hair!
We were blessed to have you with us, if only for a while,
We think of you happily playing in Heaven, grinning your cute little smile."
~Author~ Tammy Becker- NILMDTS Member, Parent
As Long As I Live, You Will Live
As Long As I Live, You Will Be Remembered
As Long As I Live, You Will Be Loved...
Author unknown
"To Remember Is Painful
To Forget Is Impossible."
~Maureen Connelly
"A Life may last for just a moment....
but a memory can make that moment last forever..."
"Loved with a love beyond telling,
Missed with a grief beyond all tears."
Sometimes, Love is for a moment.
Sometimes, Love is for a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime.
"Only love gives us the taste of Eternity" - Jewish Proverb
In love, our baby was conceived, With joy, the good news was received. In hope, we waited the long months through, With sadness, we gave him back to You. With love, You reached down your gentle hand. In pain, though we could not understand .With strength, You turned our weakness around. In You, our Hope and Peace is found -author unknown-
"I wrote your name in the sand...but the waves washed it away,I wrote your name in the sky..but the wind blew it away,I wrote your name in my heart...and forever it would stay."
"Where there are no memories, let the heart find the memories that would have been."
Families are Forever
You came here for a moment,
Just a spec in time,
But as you see dear child,
Forever you'll be mine!
Families are Forever
and forever ours will be.
So, although our time was brief
I know you'll be waiting for me.
You were too perfect and special
to stay here very long.
Some people say, "How unfortunate."
But I say they are wrong!
Our family's very lucky.
A choice spirit came to us.
We gave him all he needed,
And all he knew was love.
Our time together here on earth
was moments it is true...
But nothing will take away
that day when forever we'll be with you!-Bree Anderson
GOD
I asked for strength,...and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for wisdom,...and God gave me problems to solve.
I asked for prosperity,...and God gave me brain and brawn to work.
I asked for courage,...and God gave me danger to overcome.
I asked for love,...and God gave me troubled people to help.
I asked for favors,...and God gave me opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted,...I received everything I needed.
GOD knows when you are tired and discouraged from fruitless effort.
GOD knows how hard you have tried,when you've cried so long, your heart is in anguish.
GOD has counted your tears. If you feel that your life is on hold and time has passed you by,GOD is waiting for you.
When nothing makes sense and you are confused or frustrated,GOD has the answer.
If, suddenly, your outlook is brighter and you find traces of hope,GOD has whispered to you.
What My Child Has Taught Me
I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I've learned that learning to forgive takes a lot of practice.
I've learned that friends can become strangers, and strangers can become friends.
I've learned that ignorance isn't an excuse for the lack of compassion.
I've learned that some people will never, ever - "get it".
I've learned that the community of sorrow is the strongest of all.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of minutes.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that love isn't measured by the amount of time you have with someone.
I've learned that some sorrow is so deep that it has no words. But so is love.
What has your child taught you?
What is Normal?
Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Christmas, birthday, Valentine's day, and Easter.
Normal is discussing with a friend in the Netherlands how different
funeral customs are there than here. Discussing how much both our children loved the things they loved and how those things are now sitting lonely collecting dust.
Normal is talking to a co-worker and the conversation going toward how you felt after your child died.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or a birthday party. Yet, feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers, see that casket, and all the crying people.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming cause you just don't like to sit through church anymore.
Normal is going to bed feeling like your kids who are alive got cheated out of happy cheerful parents and instead they are stuck with sober,cautious people.
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your families' life.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's and why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every little girl or boy who looks about my angels age. And then thinking of the age my angel would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is seeing my daughter at the cemetery visiting her brothers grave and thinking, how could this be normal? She shouldn't have to be going through this.
Normal is singing a song and feeling really great about doing well,followed by an immediate down after thinking how my child would have said, "That was beautiful Momma" (whether it really was or not).
Normal is telling the story of my child's death as if it were an everyday common place activity and then gasping in horror at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become part of our normal.
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive those days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion. HappyBirthday? Not really.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of a penguin. Thinking how they would love it, but how they're here to enjoy it.
Normal is disliking jokes about death, funerals. Bodies being referred to as cadavers when you know they were once someone's loved one.
Normal is being impatient with everything but someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother and meeting for coffee and talking and crying together over our children and our new lives. And worrying together over our living children.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned house or did laundry or if there is any food in the house.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two or three children because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that one of them is in heaven. And yet when you say only two to avoid that problem you feel horrible as if you have betrayed that child.
Normal is feeling terribly hurt when you see your child's power point presentation at parent/teacher's conference and that child has listed no brother. Then you realize the way the information is set up there really is no logical place to list the brother who has died and went to heaven. And how awkward that must of been for him to think about the problem.
Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small happy children that break your heart when you see them.
Normal is wondering angrily a month later why your husband isn't still crying, while he wonders angrily why you haven't stopped.
Normal is planning alternate routes through stores so you don't have to be confronted with the "dreaded aisles," while nevertheless dodging strollers no matter which way you go.
Normal is not knowing whether or not you can accept an invitation to your cousin's wedding next month because you don't know if you will be having one of your breakdowns that day.
Normal is being afraid to surf the internet, watch TV, read a book or listen to the radio because of the world conspiring to salt your wounds by saying/showing the wrong things.
Normal is wanting another baby in your arms so badly you can taste it, but feeling so disloyal and being so, so afraid.
Normal is having an angel pin specifically designed for your child...not as a gift, but as a memorial.
Normal is sometimes forgetting that our own parents' hearts are broken twice...once for their lost grandchild, and again for their child who is lost in a sense just as final.
Normal is sitting outside at night, staring into the sky, wondering why you aren't one of the people blessed enough to see a sign or experience a miracle that you know is being sent just to comfort you.
Normal is sometimes not being able to bear looking at photo albums, and other times being so grateful they're covered in plastic so your endless flow of tears won't ruin the pictures...
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Team Davis Updates:
I have tried to blog before this evening but, when I went to publish it, once again it erased. This has happened twice and when I was talking about Hope. Now, I am sure that it is user error. But, it was devastating.
Serenity Aryn~She is loving kindergarten so much. She has discovered "hot lunch" and getting to pick what she wants to eat by herself. She is checking out books from the school library but, she is already learning sight words! She knows red and yellow. Tomorrow she will wear yellow for the end of yellow week.
She is such a blessing and a great kid. I know that everyone says that about their child but, it is true.
She has also started Awanas this week and although she is very tired she is excited to go.
Serenity always has really great dreams. She usually dreams of rainbows and flowers falling out of the sky while she is riding a unicorn. How did she get so dramatic? you're right........Daddy.
But, the other day she climbed up on my lap to snuggle and let me hold her (yes, this is the best part of my day) and said mommy I had a dream about baby brother. I said what was it? Now, I love to hear these thoughts and stories but, it is also so hard to hear.
She said "I had a dream that baby brother was sleeping in a stroller and he was with us. But, then mommy he woke up. Do you know what color his eyes are?" She asked. I said "no but, probably brown like yours." She said "no, they are green like yours are."
Aaron has been busy working. He has also been taking an active role in the Healing Garden which means a lot to me. He is golfing at the Broadmoor's east course on Oct. 3rd for the Ronald McDonald House Golf Tournament. We just came back from a weekend at Winter Park/Estes Park where we got to see a lot of deer, elk and moose. We went down the Alpine slide and Aimee drove over the pass....yes, it was soooo scary but, she is a brave girl. It is the highest paved highway in America. She had no idea.
Aaron and Travis enjoyed fishing all weekend. They did not catch a lot of fish but, enjoyed themselves.
The last day we all hiked up to a waterfall and had a picnic. It was so nice. The three girls were such little hikers. They all did so good and act like three little sisters.
I have been busy trying to go back to work, it is busy. But, my heart is in my projects. I have a ton but, the three that I am really working on are the Healing Garden, October 15th and my scrapbook.
My scrapbook is dedicated in Sterling's memory and even though it is hard to do. I really love when I get to work on it. I wrote a memory book and I am putting it together to see how I like it. No, there are no memory baby books for people who loose their children and we need one. I will show you all when I am done if you would like to see it.
My October 15th event took a step back and I was really questioning if I was meant to do this event by God. But, the next day my Dr. lined up to have Jared Anderson sing from New Life. He wrote a beautiful song called Heaven. We have had to change some things but, it is all for the better. Sometimes, there are people in your life who want to bring you down. But, when I come down I come crashing down and it takes a while to dust off. I have to realize that everyone has their own issues and their own journeys and sometimes they do not mesh with mine.
Our Healing Garden is AMAZING! We have an amazing group that I am proud to work with and they all work so hard to get things done. We have had so much donated that we will have a big portion done by the end of September. I even have a custom waterfall donated from Paradise Ponds in Monument. Everything is coming together and I am honored that this will be dedicated on Sterling's 1st Heaven birthday. Invitations to follow. I will post pictures soon of the garden.
At church we had another unbelievable service that I will blog about later but, one great quote is "Trust an unknown future, to a known GOD."
Serenity Aryn~She is loving kindergarten so much. She has discovered "hot lunch" and getting to pick what she wants to eat by herself. She is checking out books from the school library but, she is already learning sight words! She knows red and yellow. Tomorrow she will wear yellow for the end of yellow week.
She is such a blessing and a great kid. I know that everyone says that about their child but, it is true.
She has also started Awanas this week and although she is very tired she is excited to go.
Serenity always has really great dreams. She usually dreams of rainbows and flowers falling out of the sky while she is riding a unicorn. How did she get so dramatic? you're right........Daddy.
But, the other day she climbed up on my lap to snuggle and let me hold her (yes, this is the best part of my day) and said mommy I had a dream about baby brother. I said what was it? Now, I love to hear these thoughts and stories but, it is also so hard to hear.
She said "I had a dream that baby brother was sleeping in a stroller and he was with us. But, then mommy he woke up. Do you know what color his eyes are?" She asked. I said "no but, probably brown like yours." She said "no, they are green like yours are."
Aaron has been busy working. He has also been taking an active role in the Healing Garden which means a lot to me. He is golfing at the Broadmoor's east course on Oct. 3rd for the Ronald McDonald House Golf Tournament. We just came back from a weekend at Winter Park/Estes Park where we got to see a lot of deer, elk and moose. We went down the Alpine slide and Aimee drove over the pass....yes, it was soooo scary but, she is a brave girl. It is the highest paved highway in America. She had no idea.
Aaron and Travis enjoyed fishing all weekend. They did not catch a lot of fish but, enjoyed themselves.
The last day we all hiked up to a waterfall and had a picnic. It was so nice. The three girls were such little hikers. They all did so good and act like three little sisters.
I have been busy trying to go back to work, it is busy. But, my heart is in my projects. I have a ton but, the three that I am really working on are the Healing Garden, October 15th and my scrapbook.
My scrapbook is dedicated in Sterling's memory and even though it is hard to do. I really love when I get to work on it. I wrote a memory book and I am putting it together to see how I like it. No, there are no memory baby books for people who loose their children and we need one. I will show you all when I am done if you would like to see it.
My October 15th event took a step back and I was really questioning if I was meant to do this event by God. But, the next day my Dr. lined up to have Jared Anderson sing from New Life. He wrote a beautiful song called Heaven. We have had to change some things but, it is all for the better. Sometimes, there are people in your life who want to bring you down. But, when I come down I come crashing down and it takes a while to dust off. I have to realize that everyone has their own issues and their own journeys and sometimes they do not mesh with mine.
Our Healing Garden is AMAZING! We have an amazing group that I am proud to work with and they all work so hard to get things done. We have had so much donated that we will have a big portion done by the end of September. I even have a custom waterfall donated from Paradise Ponds in Monument. Everything is coming together and I am honored that this will be dedicated on Sterling's 1st Heaven birthday. Invitations to follow. I will post pictures soon of the garden.
At church we had another unbelievable service that I will blog about later but, one great quote is "Trust an unknown future, to a known GOD."
Beautiful Poem
Oh Mother, my mother
Oh mother, my mother
I touch your tears
invisible fingers
soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
in the day, in the night,
in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am...in your heart
in your soul, I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly
of yourself.
Inside of you, you created
such a world of laughter, of love
of sadness, of sorrow
every emotion people come to know
you shared with me.
And even though I may never
feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
and your spirit giving me a safe heaven
already protecting me
nurturing me
preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey
of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on
to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision
I could make
and I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
you gave me courage to
go on my journey
I hope I can do the same
for you
Your heart beat will always
call me to you.
Love, your child
Oh mother, my mother
I touch your tears
invisible fingers
soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
in the day, in the night,
in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am...in your heart
in your soul, I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly
of yourself.
Inside of you, you created
such a world of laughter, of love
of sadness, of sorrow
every emotion people come to know
you shared with me.
And even though I may never
feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
and your spirit giving me a safe heaven
already protecting me
nurturing me
preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey
of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on
to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision
I could make
and I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
you gave me courage to
go on my journey
I hope I can do the same
for you
Your heart beat will always
call me to you.
Love, your child
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Broken.....
If this makes you cry...I have given fair warning.....(mom's).
I found this song by Diamond Rio and I know it can be heard to mean different things but, to me today this has been my song. I have played so many times.
It has been 4 months today..........
I said hello, I think I am broken.......
(and I wonder if I will ever feel whole again?)
One day at a time, One step a time sometimes is too great. I feel all alone.
At the cemetery today where Sterling's body is there is another new baby. That is 6 babies since Sterling Michael~ONLY 4 months. This is at only one of the cemetery's in town, not including the other cemetery, babies who are cremated, buried in the hospital plot, or to all the people that this is happening to outside of Colorado Springs. What is going on??????
Seeing this new baby plot was not in my plans but, NONE of this journey was.
I have to come to understand that I am not in control~this is hard and a constant reminder in my head. None of us are in control!
But, with all of this pain that I have and will endure I am still.....
A PROUD mother to two beautiful miracle children.
And I bless the day I met you
And I thank God that he let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
and the good news is I'm better for
the time we spent together
And the bad news is your gone......
I would not change my life even though this is journey is so hard and challenging. I am so lucky to have had Sterling for a moment and to hold him for 12 hours, he also has an incredible big sister. I wish I could hold him again here and now but, the pain letting him go is too severe and crushing. So, I will wait for the Lord to call me home and know that I will have no more pain when I am with him again. I will be so happy when we are all together in Heaven.
now I know god has his reasons
Embut sometimes it hard to see them
Ewhen I awake and find that your not there
(I still wake up with my hand on my stomach waiting for him to kick).
The other day in the car after picking Serenity up from school she was extra precious. I had Sterling's pictures in the sleeve from Now I lay me down to sleep in the backseat. I am working on the healing garden and anytime I bring up th garden I want people to know what my son looks like. So she hopped in the car and asked to look at the pictures.
I said "well, you can but, they are of baby brother just so you know." She said "that's okay."
She looks at them and says "oh, mama he is identical to me." I said "Oh, yes he is."
"Mama he is so cute." "Yes, he is perfect just like you."
"Mama when you get to heaven, I know that you will be so happy to see him."
"Oh, yes I will and I will wait up there for you to join me in a long, long time."
This is priceless to me, these innocent and beautiful moments.
I read into everything and I try to see meaning and signs out of everything. I have been told this is normal and I find it very reassuring.
I went dancing the other night with my sister and best friend Heather. I thought I wanted to go but much to my surprise I had NO desire. I still had a nice time but, not into it at all. I am at the stage where I feel guilty for having a smile. I feel guilty when I am not feeling bad 24/7. This is a hard stage. So I stood in the corner all night and watched everyone having fun. I felt like my life had stopped and everyone else was going on as usual. It is a crazy feeling. We left and I was so sad, I used to LOVE to dance and have fun.
The next morning I was up early and off to church which normally, I do not go to alone (Aaron was camping). But, I really wanted to go to church. So, I went and the service (at my incredible church~Woodmen Valley Chapel). The service was on learning to dance with broken bones.
Getting out there to dance and deal with your "new" body. The best part was when Matt asked "Have you ever cried alone?" I said "yes." Matt said "YOU WERE NEVER ALONE." God is always with you and puts your tears in his bottle. WOW!
It was a great service and I really feel God connecting with me at this church. The services are always like this to me.
I also have been feeling really "attacked." I feel like I am drowning in the ocean and every time I try to grab onto the life boat a wave knocks me backwards and pushes me to the bottom. I have a choice to give up the fight or to keep fighting knowing that I will make it onto the boat."
I have chosen in my minute by minute battle to NOT give up and TO have HOPE. Only I can make myself better and I have to take time and not rush myself.
I came across this poem/saying today and I love it:
"I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart."
I am blessed to have been given my children for the time that GOD has given and will continue to give me and Aaron.
I found this song by Diamond Rio and I know it can be heard to mean different things but, to me today this has been my song. I have played so many times.
It has been 4 months today..........
I said hello, I think I am broken.......
(and I wonder if I will ever feel whole again?)
One day at a time, One step a time sometimes is too great. I feel all alone.
At the cemetery today where Sterling's body is there is another new baby. That is 6 babies since Sterling Michael~ONLY 4 months. This is at only one of the cemetery's in town, not including the other cemetery, babies who are cremated, buried in the hospital plot, or to all the people that this is happening to outside of Colorado Springs. What is going on??????
Seeing this new baby plot was not in my plans but, NONE of this journey was.
I have to come to understand that I am not in control~this is hard and a constant reminder in my head. None of us are in control!
But, with all of this pain that I have and will endure I am still.....
A PROUD mother to two beautiful miracle children.
And I bless the day I met you
And I thank God that he let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
and the good news is I'm better for
the time we spent together
And the bad news is your gone......
I would not change my life even though this is journey is so hard and challenging. I am so lucky to have had Sterling for a moment and to hold him for 12 hours, he also has an incredible big sister. I wish I could hold him again here and now but, the pain letting him go is too severe and crushing. So, I will wait for the Lord to call me home and know that I will have no more pain when I am with him again. I will be so happy when we are all together in Heaven.
now I know god has his reasons
Embut sometimes it hard to see them
Ewhen I awake and find that your not there
(I still wake up with my hand on my stomach waiting for him to kick).
The other day in the car after picking Serenity up from school she was extra precious. I had Sterling's pictures in the sleeve from Now I lay me down to sleep in the backseat. I am working on the healing garden and anytime I bring up th garden I want people to know what my son looks like. So she hopped in the car and asked to look at the pictures.
I said "well, you can but, they are of baby brother just so you know." She said "that's okay."
She looks at them and says "oh, mama he is identical to me." I said "Oh, yes he is."
"Mama he is so cute." "Yes, he is perfect just like you."
"Mama when you get to heaven, I know that you will be so happy to see him."
"Oh, yes I will and I will wait up there for you to join me in a long, long time."
This is priceless to me, these innocent and beautiful moments.
I read into everything and I try to see meaning and signs out of everything. I have been told this is normal and I find it very reassuring.
I went dancing the other night with my sister and best friend Heather. I thought I wanted to go but much to my surprise I had NO desire. I still had a nice time but, not into it at all. I am at the stage where I feel guilty for having a smile. I feel guilty when I am not feeling bad 24/7. This is a hard stage. So I stood in the corner all night and watched everyone having fun. I felt like my life had stopped and everyone else was going on as usual. It is a crazy feeling. We left and I was so sad, I used to LOVE to dance and have fun.
The next morning I was up early and off to church which normally, I do not go to alone (Aaron was camping). But, I really wanted to go to church. So, I went and the service (at my incredible church~Woodmen Valley Chapel). The service was on learning to dance with broken bones.
Getting out there to dance and deal with your "new" body. The best part was when Matt asked "Have you ever cried alone?" I said "yes." Matt said "YOU WERE NEVER ALONE." God is always with you and puts your tears in his bottle. WOW!
It was a great service and I really feel God connecting with me at this church. The services are always like this to me.
I also have been feeling really "attacked." I feel like I am drowning in the ocean and every time I try to grab onto the life boat a wave knocks me backwards and pushes me to the bottom. I have a choice to give up the fight or to keep fighting knowing that I will make it onto the boat."
I have chosen in my minute by minute battle to NOT give up and TO have HOPE. Only I can make myself better and I have to take time and not rush myself.
I came across this poem/saying today and I love it:
"I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart."
I am blessed to have been given my children for the time that GOD has given and will continue to give me and Aaron.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Serenity's First day of school!
Serenity first of all slept in her bed all night and woke up at 7am on her own. That was a huge miracle in itself. She was sleeping in her own bed until I broke her of that after Sterling passed away. I could not help myself.
She was so good, ate a great breakfast, and looked so cute on her first day! She has two of her best buds in class and we were also very excited to see them.
We had an orientation when we got into the classroom, put her supplies away with a fun scavenger hunt and then all sat down for a book. I think the book was geared toward all the parents but, the kids liked it too.
Serenity had a good but very tiring first day! When we got into the car we asked her all about her day. Here is a short recap:
What did you do today? Had 3 recesses
What did you eat today? I see all of your lunch is here except for the watermelon-yogurt balls and oreos? Oh, I ate Ashly's lunch she had cheese, crackers and ham.
Was there a teacher there to help with opening your lunch stuff? Yes, three teachers.
Did you take a tour of the school? Yes, and we got a little lost after leaving the lunch room.
Do you like your teacher? Yes, she is very nice.
Are you okay? Yes, but VERY SLEEPY.
Did you take a nap? No, Ashly and I kept waking up.
After school snack consisted of everything in the house:
cashews, raisins, mini fruit roll-up, beef jerky, water and four mini oreos left from lunch.
Mommy got all of the homework completed and is ready for tomorrow. Can you believe that I did not cry? I'm sure it is coming.
Thanks for praying and thinking of us today. We had a great day!
She was so good, ate a great breakfast, and looked so cute on her first day! She has two of her best buds in class and we were also very excited to see them.
We had an orientation when we got into the classroom, put her supplies away with a fun scavenger hunt and then all sat down for a book. I think the book was geared toward all the parents but, the kids liked it too.
Serenity had a good but very tiring first day! When we got into the car we asked her all about her day. Here is a short recap:
What did you do today? Had 3 recesses
What did you eat today? I see all of your lunch is here except for the watermelon-yogurt balls and oreos? Oh, I ate Ashly's lunch she had cheese, crackers and ham.
Was there a teacher there to help with opening your lunch stuff? Yes, three teachers.
Did you take a tour of the school? Yes, and we got a little lost after leaving the lunch room.
Do you like your teacher? Yes, she is very nice.
Are you okay? Yes, but VERY SLEEPY.
Did you take a nap? No, Ashly and I kept waking up.
After school snack consisted of everything in the house:
cashews, raisins, mini fruit roll-up, beef jerky, water and four mini oreos left from lunch.
Mommy got all of the homework completed and is ready for tomorrow. Can you believe that I did not cry? I'm sure it is coming.
Thanks for praying and thinking of us today. We had a great day!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Marriage Getaway
July 24th-26th we spent the weekend at Glen Eryie's beautiful historic castle here in Colorado Springs. We are quite embarrassed that we did not even know that this was in Colorado Springs. For all of you that have not been to the Navigator's Glen Eryie~this is a must see. Plan time to get around and hike and enjoy the beautiful surroundings.
The weekend was for couples who had lost their children. The conference was brought to our attention by my fabulous nurse Cindy Ii, who many of you know came back to assist me in delivering Sterling Michael after she was off work. She then took the time to care, bathe and dress our precious son. She and I have kept in contact and she means sooo much to me.
The conference was good and very beneficial for Aaron and I to go to. Not only was it healing for us individually but, us as a couple. It gave us the opportunity to discuss and share our feelings, fears and many other emotions. The best thing about this group was their willing to embrace everyone no matter how different our situations are. There were no hidden agendas, no trying to impress one another and it was a great weekend for us to just be ourselves, be open and honest. We took information from each of the couples as they shared their stories and even cried with them. All of these people are strong and I am honored that we were able to share this time together. Of course, I wish we did not have to at all. But, who would?
The picture of the butterfly is so special/humorous to me. I was in the gift shop looking around and I came across some cards with different pics. of Glen Eryie. I loved the cards and wondered if I could take the same pics. I knew that I could try but, I really wanted a pic. of a butterfly and was a little disappointed knowing that I may not get that photo. Later in the day we had a tour of the castle to learn about the history of the castle and then Aaron and I continued exploring after the tour. After we were done I was going out of the castle and I came across a butterfly looking exactly like this and I was so excited. Aaron was a little confused (which makes me laugh) because I was sooo excited! I then informed him of my gift shop visit and then he understood. He still did not understand the full meaning of my excitement but, that is okay~I'm very hard to figure out these days. I don't understand myself sometimes.
The picture of the rocks and branch was on the last day we all found a rock/branch that reminded us of our child/children/journey that we brought to our group to share stories about. The stories were so amazing. Then we all laid cards inside of something that we needed to let go of. This was very moving and beautiful.
I will have more pics to post but, I need to get them developed. These pics were taken by Jay and Lisa and they did an amazing job!
The weekend was for couples who had lost their children. The conference was brought to our attention by my fabulous nurse Cindy Ii, who many of you know came back to assist me in delivering Sterling Michael after she was off work. She then took the time to care, bathe and dress our precious son. She and I have kept in contact and she means sooo much to me.
The conference was good and very beneficial for Aaron and I to go to. Not only was it healing for us individually but, us as a couple. It gave us the opportunity to discuss and share our feelings, fears and many other emotions. The best thing about this group was their willing to embrace everyone no matter how different our situations are. There were no hidden agendas, no trying to impress one another and it was a great weekend for us to just be ourselves, be open and honest. We took information from each of the couples as they shared their stories and even cried with them. All of these people are strong and I am honored that we were able to share this time together. Of course, I wish we did not have to at all. But, who would?
The picture of the butterfly is so special/humorous to me. I was in the gift shop looking around and I came across some cards with different pics. of Glen Eryie. I loved the cards and wondered if I could take the same pics. I knew that I could try but, I really wanted a pic. of a butterfly and was a little disappointed knowing that I may not get that photo. Later in the day we had a tour of the castle to learn about the history of the castle and then Aaron and I continued exploring after the tour. After we were done I was going out of the castle and I came across a butterfly looking exactly like this and I was so excited. Aaron was a little confused (which makes me laugh) because I was sooo excited! I then informed him of my gift shop visit and then he understood. He still did not understand the full meaning of my excitement but, that is okay~I'm very hard to figure out these days. I don't understand myself sometimes.
The picture of the rocks and branch was on the last day we all found a rock/branch that reminded us of our child/children/journey that we brought to our group to share stories about. The stories were so amazing. Then we all laid cards inside of something that we needed to let go of. This was very moving and beautiful.
I will have more pics to post but, I need to get them developed. These pics were taken by Jay and Lisa and they did an amazing job!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
20 Things Parents of Angels wish you would remember...
20 Things Parents of Angels Wish You Would Remember...
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him.
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.
13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Sterling. Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you may not know that we have fertility problems too.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? Did you forget that we cannot get pregnant? What will you say if it happens to me again?
The Grief Pit Poem
The Grief Pit
The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life; waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "he" is gone forever. The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair; it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding whats taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday. Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes. Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know ... the "better them, than me" attitude. My post-grief friends are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit of grief. They have no way of comparing the pit climber to the pre-grief person I once was. You see, they started at the bottom of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. The "person" who is emerging from the pit.
Author Unknown
Just for Today by Vicky Tushingham
Just For Today Just for today, I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead learn to live with it just one day at a time.
Just for today, I will remember my child's life, not his death , and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.
Just for today, I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.
Just for today, I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal. Just for today, I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child, for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can comfort each other.
Just for today, I will free myself from my self inflicted burden of guilt, for deep in my heart I know if there was anything I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.
Just for today, I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child because I know that would have made my own child proud.
Just for today, I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent, for I do know how they feel. Just for today, when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving, and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.
Just for today, I will not compare myself with others. I am fortunate to be who I am and to have had my child for as long as I did.
Just for today, I will accept that I did not die when my child died. My life did go on and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.
`By Vicky Tushingham from Alive Alone
Just for today, I will remember my child's life, not his death , and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.
Just for today, I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.
Just for today, I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal. Just for today, I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child, for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can comfort each other.
Just for today, I will free myself from my self inflicted burden of guilt, for deep in my heart I know if there was anything I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.
Just for today, I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child because I know that would have made my own child proud.
Just for today, I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent, for I do know how they feel. Just for today, when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving, and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.
Just for today, I will not compare myself with others. I am fortunate to be who I am and to have had my child for as long as I did.
Just for today, I will accept that I did not die when my child died. My life did go on and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.
`By Vicky Tushingham from Alive Alone
Our first Blog
I should be working on real estate but, I wanted to get my blog set up. I have no idea about blogs so I am so happy that it has turned out this nice. I am still working on my picture slide shows but, once I get that figured out I will be good to go. In case your looking at the time no I do not sleep right now. I am just not tired and I feel like I can't sleep. I hope that Aaron likes the blog when he sees it tomorrow. I hope that everyone likes this way of hearing what is going on in our crazy world. This seems to be easier for me than to tell the same story.....I get anxiety when I forget to tell part of my story especially, if it has to do with Serenity or Sterling. I have been informed that I am hard to follow sometimes. My brain goes faster than my mouth.
We would like to thank everyone for being by our sides, praying with us and helping us to get back to coping with everyday life. I am not there yet, and I am not sure about Aaron but, we are trying. I have come across a lot of great information that I am looking forward to sharing. Please continue to pray and check on us.
Aaron and I are getting away this weekend to attend the workshop at the Glen Eyrie Group for people who have lost their child/children. I hope that we do okay being away from Serenity for two nights. If not, I am sure that we can sneak away to see her.
Serenity is our heart and soul. She is our blessing from God and we truly enjoy her more everyday. I admire so many things about her and I am so proud to be her mommy.
I went to the marker place to get the sketch of the marker and I do not like it. I really need it to be perfect and I am not sure what I want.
But, I did get the river rock that we went to get in Salida from the Arkansas river where Aaron used to fish to have Sterling's footprints put into the rock. This has eased my mind a little bit from the footprint shells that were made at the hospital and caused many nights of nightmares and anxiety. The river rock look beautiful and it is very special to us.
Well, since it is 1:23 I should try to go to bed, I guess??
We would like to thank everyone for being by our sides, praying with us and helping us to get back to coping with everyday life. I am not there yet, and I am not sure about Aaron but, we are trying. I have come across a lot of great information that I am looking forward to sharing. Please continue to pray and check on us.
Aaron and I are getting away this weekend to attend the workshop at the Glen Eyrie Group for people who have lost their child/children. I hope that we do okay being away from Serenity for two nights. If not, I am sure that we can sneak away to see her.
Serenity is our heart and soul. She is our blessing from God and we truly enjoy her more everyday. I admire so many things about her and I am so proud to be her mommy.
I went to the marker place to get the sketch of the marker and I do not like it. I really need it to be perfect and I am not sure what I want.
But, I did get the river rock that we went to get in Salida from the Arkansas river where Aaron used to fish to have Sterling's footprints put into the rock. This has eased my mind a little bit from the footprint shells that were made at the hospital and caused many nights of nightmares and anxiety. The river rock look beautiful and it is very special to us.
Well, since it is 1:23 I should try to go to bed, I guess??
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