This blog was set up to be a way to communicate with my family and friends so that I do not have to keep telling the same stories over and over. I set up also so that I could explain better when Aaron says "oh, we're fine." Sometimes that is true but, other times as you know it is not. I am not sure if my family likes the blog but, it has been a healing tool for me.
The grieving moms will understand that sometimes you feel like nobody is listening and nobody understands. It is nice to know that someone may not understand but, they are there. No matter where you are, how you feel, and what is going on there are some people that you can call who love you as you ARE. Thanks for loving me as I am! Everything seems to have changed and it is nice to know that love has not.
I have this blog to be completely honest and although my husband, may not appreciate my honesty sometimes, that is all I have.
Aaron and I went to counseling the other day and it was the best thing that we have done since we lost Sterling. Brent forced us to talk about a couple of things that we have not talked about. He also reinforced that the love between us is still there, he could see it. I have always known it was there but, when you have a critically ill child and then you loose a child that strains some marriages sometimes beyond repair. I have never been more proud of the man I married than when we shared our feelings. It is nice to just be on the same page even though it is tattered and torn.
Tonight Serenity got out of the bath herself, put lotion on, put her jammies on, and brushed her hair. I'm not ready! I am not ready to not be needed yet. I know the parents can relate but, I'm not ready.
She cracks me up and wants to go bungee jumping.....WHY? It has to be the preemie in her.
She is the most amazing child I have ever been around and I am honored to be her mom.
I would also have a 9 month old son, wow! how different life would be? I am realizing that not only do I have to deal with Sterling Michael not being here (the most precious baby) but, I also have to deal with all of the memories that we will not have.
I had finally accepted that we would not have anymore children after Serenity and then here comes my precious Sterling. He opened the door. Was the door opened only for Sterling and Serenity? God only knows.
I found this saying and I love it......
We are richer by far to have had you a moment that to never have held you at all.
The 12 hours that I held Sterling are priceless and I will forever honor that I was able to love on my precious son.
All grieving mothers have regrets...I wish I had done, or had, etc. But, one thing we must hold on to is that we did what we could at the moment. This is not an easy thing to say or believe but, I am saying it everyday. Everyday that I am saying it has a different meaning. What a crazy "new normal"!