If this makes you cry...I have given fair warning.....(mom's).
I found this song by Diamond Rio and I know it can be heard to mean different things but, to me today this has been my song. I have played so many times.
It has been 4 months today..........
I said hello, I think I am broken.......
(and I wonder if I will ever feel whole again?)
One day at a time, One step a time sometimes is too great. I feel all alone.
At the cemetery today where Sterling's body is there is another new baby. That is 6 babies since Sterling Michael~ONLY 4 months. This is at only one of the cemetery's in town, not including the other cemetery, babies who are cremated, buried in the hospital plot, or to all the people that this is happening to outside of Colorado Springs. What is going on??????
Seeing this new baby plot was not in my plans but, NONE of this journey was.
I have to come to understand that I am not in control~this is hard and a constant reminder in my head. None of us are in control!
But, with all of this pain that I have and will endure I am still.....
A PROUD mother to two beautiful miracle children.
And I bless the day I met you
And I thank God that he let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
and the good news is I'm better for
the time we spent together
And the bad news is your gone......
I would not change my life even though this is journey is so hard and challenging. I am so lucky to have had Sterling for a moment and to hold him for 12 hours, he also has an incredible big sister. I wish I could hold him again here and now but, the pain letting him go is too severe and crushing. So, I will wait for the Lord to call me home and know that I will have no more pain when I am with him again. I will be so happy when we are all together in Heaven.
now I know god has his reasons
Embut sometimes it hard to see them
Ewhen I awake and find that your not there
(I still wake up with my hand on my stomach waiting for him to kick).
The other day in the car after picking Serenity up from school she was extra precious. I had Sterling's pictures in the sleeve from Now I lay me down to sleep in the backseat. I am working on the healing garden and anytime I bring up th garden I want people to know what my son looks like. So she hopped in the car and asked to look at the pictures.
I said "well, you can but, they are of baby brother just so you know." She said "that's okay."
She looks at them and says "oh, mama he is identical to me." I said "Oh, yes he is."
"Mama he is so cute." "Yes, he is perfect just like you."
"Mama when you get to heaven, I know that you will be so happy to see him."
"Oh, yes I will and I will wait up there for you to join me in a long, long time."
This is priceless to me, these innocent and beautiful moments.
I read into everything and I try to see meaning and signs out of everything. I have been told this is normal and I find it very reassuring.
I went dancing the other night with my sister and best friend Heather. I thought I wanted to go but much to my surprise I had NO desire. I still had a nice time but, not into it at all. I am at the stage where I feel guilty for having a smile. I feel guilty when I am not feeling bad 24/7. This is a hard stage. So I stood in the corner all night and watched everyone having fun. I felt like my life had stopped and everyone else was going on as usual. It is a crazy feeling. We left and I was so sad, I used to LOVE to dance and have fun.
The next morning I was up early and off to church which normally, I do not go to alone (Aaron was camping). But, I really wanted to go to church. So, I went and the service (at my incredible church~Woodmen Valley Chapel). The service was on learning to dance with broken bones.
Getting out there to dance and deal with your "new" body. The best part was when Matt asked "Have you ever cried alone?" I said "yes." Matt said "YOU WERE NEVER ALONE." God is always with you and puts your tears in his bottle. WOW!
It was a great service and I really feel God connecting with me at this church. The services are always like this to me.
I also have been feeling really "attacked." I feel like I am drowning in the ocean and every time I try to grab onto the life boat a wave knocks me backwards and pushes me to the bottom. I have a choice to give up the fight or to keep fighting knowing that I will make it onto the boat."
I have chosen in my minute by minute battle to NOT give up and TO have HOPE. Only I can make myself better and I have to take time and not rush myself.
I came across this poem/saying today and I love it:
"I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart."
I am blessed to have been given my children for the time that GOD has given and will continue to give me and Aaron.