The holiday season is approaching,
and with it comes the New Year.
Although for me time passes slowly,
New Year's Day will ring in quickly.
I dread this New Year's Day
because they will look at me
in a terribly strange way
when I get misty-eyed,
and talk about something you had done or expected to do.
After you first left me,
they reasoned when I cried,
"He's only been gone a few months."
And I would catch that look of
understanding in their eyes,
and found some comfort that they knew.
But on last New Year's Day,
my first thought upon awakening was,
Oh God, my son died last year,
but last year.
He will never live in this year.
They didn't understand, they didn't reason,
that last year, for me, the loss was still new.
They thought, "it happened last year,
so long ago, why does she still cry?"
I could see it in their eyes.
This New Year's Day, will it be different?
Will my first thought upon awakening be,
Oh God, my son died the year before last,
not a few months ago, not this year or even last year,
but the year before last?
He will never live in this year.
Will they even listen, should I not look them
in the eyes, for fear that I shall see,
"Why is she still crying? It happened so long ago.
It was the year before last."
Those words that we use
to describe the passage of time,
a few months, this year,
last year, the year before last.
The don't know that time stand still for me.
Will they understand that's why I cry?
Don't they know
my son just died....
"I asked GOD how much time do I have to live? And he said.....long enough to make a difference." ~~~"To the world you might be just one person. But to one person, you might be the world."
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
My First Christmas In Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees, Around the world below,
With tiny lights, like Heaven’s stars,
Reflecting in the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear.
For I am spending Christmas,
With Jesus Christ, this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music don’t compare
With the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you,
The joy their voices bring,
For it’s beyond description,
To hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain within your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren’t apart.
Be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you near,
Be glad I’m spending Christmas,
With Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift,
From my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory,
Of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift,
More precious than pure gold.
It was always most important
In the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other,
As my Father said to do,
For I can’t count the blessings,
He has for each of you.
So, have a Merry Christmas,
And, wipe away that tear,
Remember..I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year!
In loving memory of Zach, Eben, Betsy, Mitch, Max, Trish,
Sterling Michael, Katie Beth, Jessica & Matthew
I received this from the Stockwells~ I thought it was beautiful. (They held the conference this summer at Glen Eyrie for people who have lost their children.)
Christmas 2008
I see the countless Christmas trees, Around the world below,
With tiny lights, like Heaven’s stars,
Reflecting in the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear.
For I am spending Christmas,
With Jesus Christ, this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music don’t compare
With the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you,
The joy their voices bring,
For it’s beyond description,
To hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain within your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren’t apart.
Be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you near,
Be glad I’m spending Christmas,
With Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift,
From my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory,
Of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift,
More precious than pure gold.
It was always most important
In the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other,
As my Father said to do,
For I can’t count the blessings,
He has for each of you.
So, have a Merry Christmas,
And, wipe away that tear,
Remember..I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year!
In loving memory of Zach, Eben, Betsy, Mitch, Max, Trish,
Sterling Michael, Katie Beth, Jessica & Matthew
I received this from the Stockwells~ I thought it was beautiful. (They held the conference this summer at Glen Eyrie for people who have lost their children.)
Christmas 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Serenity lost her 1st tooth
Serenity has had a loose tooth and she lost her tooth at Maggiano's. Serenity in the car tonight says gues what.. "The tooth fairy and Santa are going to bump into each other tonight." She is so funny. Pictures to follow.
Blessings and love,
Team Davis
Blessings and love,
Team Davis
Christmas Eve
Today, Serenity and I went to church while Daddy was at work. When I went in they said to sit anywhere on the left side. So, I sat on the left side a few rows up from where people were sitting. I took my coat off and looked back to see Dr. Weary and his family. Now to some that may not seem unusual but, there are thousands of people that go to my church and today there were 6 services at our two locations. I thought that it was a blessing to see him and I have not seen him at church before today even though I know he goes to our church. I take everything as a sign from God and that he is still with me and knows that I need to know.
The service today was on our Tattered pages and letting GOD be our peace, hope and seeking him. He already knows all of the pages of our story. We need to humble ourselves before him. We had a candlelighting and it was beautiful when Pastor Matt said look at our room dark with the stories. Then our stories begin to light up the room one by one.
When we left we were given a CD of a beautiful song that was written. So in the car I put it in to listen to again. Serenity as she always does says "Mommy I know why you like this song." I say, "why?" She says "because it has your name and it says you are not alone." Before I can say a word. She then says "mommy, you are not alone, you have me." These are the best words I have heard all year. Now, of course being the over thinker I am I start to question why she is saying this because I really ensure my sad times are more controlled and when I can be alone. I have learned to fake it at times quite well. Serenity is too smart for me and we thank God for her everyday.
Our Christmas letter to Sterling Michael
To our precious baby,
May you forever know
We love you with all of our hearts
And miss you ever so
To our precious baby
May you forever know
The deepest sadness in our lives
Was having to let you go
To our precious baby
May you always know
That we think of you everyday
Your memory we will always treasure
To our precious baby
May you somehow realize
Even though your time with us was so short
You graciously touched so many of our lives
To our precious baby
We want you to understand
God needed you in Heaven
So He gently took your hand
To our precious baby
We will see you again someday
For now we will hold your memory close to our hearts
It is there you will forever stay.
Tonight my sweet prince will come
I wake in the morning with you on my mind
Your dad is still asleep, finally able to unwind
My heart starts to get heavy just missing you
I go about getting ready for the day feeling blue
Our life would be so different if you were here
My arms would not be aching to hold you near
Last night I say how big you have grown
My dream are filled with only you alone
The drive into work is quiet now
I planned to play nursery rhymes for you nice and low
Instead it is your cries that I long to hear
Once at work, your picture on my desk
I press my finger to your face and caress
Those around me try to be kind
But they don't know the sorrow you left behind
I try to stay busy they say the pain will ease
What I learned recently is there are no guarantees
When work is all done and I drive away
My thoughts turn to you and there they will stay
The evenings are now the worst
They should have been filled with your energy bursts
But instead I am left with an empty heart
I must be determined to not fall apart
My sleep is filled with thoughts of joy
It is then that I can finally see our little boy
In my dreams I am free to see you for to me you come
I get to see all that you would have become
Your golden hair blows gently in the breeze
Your dad and I chase you among the trees
You giggle and laugh as sissy chases your toes
As you lay in the grass you begin to doze
When you awake we are by your side
Our hearts are full of love and pride
We spend the day laughing and playing
May this day never end I am praying
You fall asleep in my arms
I put you to bed and set my alarm
When I open my eyes I start to smile
For again my sweet prince you have blessed me for a while
~Written by: Proud grandmother mary from NowISleep.com
The service today was on our Tattered pages and letting GOD be our peace, hope and seeking him. He already knows all of the pages of our story. We need to humble ourselves before him. We had a candlelighting and it was beautiful when Pastor Matt said look at our room dark with the stories. Then our stories begin to light up the room one by one.
When we left we were given a CD of a beautiful song that was written. So in the car I put it in to listen to again. Serenity as she always does says "Mommy I know why you like this song." I say, "why?" She says "because it has your name and it says you are not alone." Before I can say a word. She then says "mommy, you are not alone, you have me." These are the best words I have heard all year. Now, of course being the over thinker I am I start to question why she is saying this because I really ensure my sad times are more controlled and when I can be alone. I have learned to fake it at times quite well. Serenity is too smart for me and we thank God for her everyday.
Our Christmas letter to Sterling Michael
To our precious baby,
May you forever know
We love you with all of our hearts
And miss you ever so
To our precious baby
May you forever know
The deepest sadness in our lives
Was having to let you go
To our precious baby
May you always know
That we think of you everyday
Your memory we will always treasure
To our precious baby
May you somehow realize
Even though your time with us was so short
You graciously touched so many of our lives
To our precious baby
We want you to understand
God needed you in Heaven
So He gently took your hand
To our precious baby
We will see you again someday
For now we will hold your memory close to our hearts
It is there you will forever stay.
Tonight my sweet prince will come
I wake in the morning with you on my mind
Your dad is still asleep, finally able to unwind
My heart starts to get heavy just missing you
I go about getting ready for the day feeling blue
Our life would be so different if you were here
My arms would not be aching to hold you near
Last night I say how big you have grown
My dream are filled with only you alone
The drive into work is quiet now
I planned to play nursery rhymes for you nice and low
Instead it is your cries that I long to hear
Once at work, your picture on my desk
I press my finger to your face and caress
Those around me try to be kind
But they don't know the sorrow you left behind
I try to stay busy they say the pain will ease
What I learned recently is there are no guarantees
When work is all done and I drive away
My thoughts turn to you and there they will stay
The evenings are now the worst
They should have been filled with your energy bursts
But instead I am left with an empty heart
I must be determined to not fall apart
My sleep is filled with thoughts of joy
It is then that I can finally see our little boy
In my dreams I am free to see you for to me you come
I get to see all that you would have become
Your golden hair blows gently in the breeze
Your dad and I chase you among the trees
You giggle and laugh as sissy chases your toes
As you lay in the grass you begin to doze
When you awake we are by your side
Our hearts are full of love and pride
We spend the day laughing and playing
May this day never end I am praying
You fall asleep in my arms
I put you to bed and set my alarm
When I open my eyes I start to smile
For again my sweet prince you have blessed me for a while
~Written by: Proud grandmother mary from NowISleep.com
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Poems......
A lifetime wish
If I could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true.
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back:
I know because I've tried.
And neither will a million tears,
I know because I've cried.
You left behind a broken heart
And happy memories too.
But, I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.
~Author Unknown
The one thing I need
I cannot ask for
The one thing I need
No one can give me
The one thing I need
Has already been taken away
The one thing I need
I'll have to learn to live without
The one thing I need
I'm not really able to talk about
The one thing I need
I somehow still have beside me
The one thing I need
Remains an angel by my side
If I could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true.
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back:
I know because I've tried.
And neither will a million tears,
I know because I've cried.
You left behind a broken heart
And happy memories too.
But, I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.
~Author Unknown
The one thing I need
I cannot ask for
The one thing I need
No one can give me
The one thing I need
Has already been taken away
The one thing I need
I'll have to learn to live without
The one thing I need
I'm not really able to talk about
The one thing I need
I somehow still have beside me
The one thing I need
Remains an angel by my side
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Cards written today.......
So today has been a little rough but, a blessing. I never thought in a million years that I would be proud that my marriage is holding on after having a critically ill child and one who is in heaven. But, I am. Aaron is a great man, that I am honored and proud to have by my side. (It also doesn't hurt that he is cute).
I received a card today from one of my clients and it has touched my heart. First, she addressed it to Sterling also (We love that). Then this is how their card reads:
We wish you a most blessed Christmas and a happy and wonderful New Year!
How blessed we are having you in our lives!
We keep you all in special placed in our hearts.
Serenity, because of your beauty inside and out, your mommy and daddy are falling in love with you everyday. I can see it!
Sterling, we bet your angel wings are growing bigger and bigger each day!
Love, David, Chong & Max
Earlier in the day Serenity was talking again and writing a letter to baby brother. She says "baby brother, we all really wanted you here with us. We miss you so much and we wish you were here. But, I can't come see you now because my heart is still beeping (yes, it is beeping instead of beating - too cute). We will come see you soon. Love, Serenity." Her card reads in her beautiful handwriting "I miss my baby brother" after her insisting I help her spell this all. She put the card on blue paper because "Sterling loves blue." Put a picture on one side and sealed it up with Princess stickers. Now, as I know the grandparents are crying and getting ready to call me any second......This hurts BUT, I love when these stories comes out of no where. She is so innocent and sweet. It blesses my heart to know that she still thinks of him and takes the time to tell me stories. These are priceless!
Had I of known how our journey would go, I would still choose the same path. Sterling will always be our blessing!
I received a card today from one of my clients and it has touched my heart. First, she addressed it to Sterling also (We love that). Then this is how their card reads:
We wish you a most blessed Christmas and a happy and wonderful New Year!
How blessed we are having you in our lives!
We keep you all in special placed in our hearts.
Serenity, because of your beauty inside and out, your mommy and daddy are falling in love with you everyday. I can see it!
Sterling, we bet your angel wings are growing bigger and bigger each day!
Love, David, Chong & Max
Earlier in the day Serenity was talking again and writing a letter to baby brother. She says "baby brother, we all really wanted you here with us. We miss you so much and we wish you were here. But, I can't come see you now because my heart is still beeping (yes, it is beeping instead of beating - too cute). We will come see you soon. Love, Serenity." Her card reads in her beautiful handwriting "I miss my baby brother" after her insisting I help her spell this all. She put the card on blue paper because "Sterling loves blue." Put a picture on one side and sealed it up with Princess stickers. Now, as I know the grandparents are crying and getting ready to call me any second......This hurts BUT, I love when these stories comes out of no where. She is so innocent and sweet. It blesses my heart to know that she still thinks of him and takes the time to tell me stories. These are priceless!
Had I of known how our journey would go, I would still choose the same path. Sterling will always be our blessing!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
SHARE Christmas Service and Serenity
The song that you are listening too is one that every time Serenity hears she says "oh, mama this is your song." So one day I caught the name and listened to it. It is a very beautiful song. I am blessed to have Serenity! She is so incredible! A little side note is her art is being featured at school in the gallery. It is so cool!
Tonight was the Share Christmas Service and it was very nice. I took a couple of pics but, it is not really a picture taking event. Dinner was donated by Panera Bread. They started off the night with everyone sharing a little of their story. I had no desire to go up but, my precious Serenity really wanted me to so up I went with her by my side. I could just kick myself for not asking her if she had anything to say. UUGGH! Then we all lit candles and listened to a Christmas song. After that we all hung our ornaments on the tree. Then named off all of our babies who are wanted, loved and missed. It was a very nice service and it meant a lot that Serenity was with me. Thanks for such a special evening SHARE girls. The event was very hard but, nice. Please pray for all of them.
Then we came home to a card from a secret friend. Just what I needed whoever you are-perfect timing!! The card is addressed from Colorado Springs but, no return to sender address or name in the card. Tonight was just a card to say this person was thinking of us and gave us a few certificates to Baskin Robbins. THANK YOU! This is priceless to my heart and actually distracted me from a very sad night with Aaron out of town (not a good combo)!
The holidays are getting harder and I am praying that I can make it through them. I am doing all I can so please, be patient with me. We should be planning a baby's 1st Christmas but, I am still trying to design a marker for the cemetery. Designing a marker for my son is not what I would recommend around the holidays but, I really want it in by Christmas! I have taken too long but, I have done what I could! I will be sending proofs soon so be ready!
I have a swirling head, heart and soul of emotions and at times it is hard to even breathe. Sometimes I do good but, other times I feel like I am just beginning my journey. A hard moment this week is when Serenity tells a story (she remembers EVERYTHING)..."Remember when we were at Nana Vicki and Papa Alan's house and we were all singing Happy Birthday." I said "yes." "Serenity says well they all call you Treasure but, I call you mama." I say, "Yes, because to them I am Treasure and to you I am your mommy. Only you and baby brother am I mommy." She thinks a second and says, "yes, you are." "Oh, mommy I miss baby brother and wish I had someone to play with." Aaron and I's hearts break, we were so close. We did all we could! Even as I read this I want to delete the last sentence. But, I will not tonight! If I had known his life was in danger, I WOULD of gone to the hospital.
One last thing, tomorrow is the meeting with an artist for the scuplture for the Healing Garden at the Ronald McDonald house. I am so excited and will be posting pics of the garden. It looks incredible! What an honor to have a garden being dedicated in Sterling's memory. I LOVE RMH!
Tonight was the Share Christmas Service and it was very nice. I took a couple of pics but, it is not really a picture taking event. Dinner was donated by Panera Bread. They started off the night with everyone sharing a little of their story. I had no desire to go up but, my precious Serenity really wanted me to so up I went with her by my side. I could just kick myself for not asking her if she had anything to say. UUGGH! Then we all lit candles and listened to a Christmas song. After that we all hung our ornaments on the tree. Then named off all of our babies who are wanted, loved and missed. It was a very nice service and it meant a lot that Serenity was with me. Thanks for such a special evening SHARE girls. The event was very hard but, nice. Please pray for all of them.
Then we came home to a card from a secret friend. Just what I needed whoever you are-perfect timing!! The card is addressed from Colorado Springs but, no return to sender address or name in the card. Tonight was just a card to say this person was thinking of us and gave us a few certificates to Baskin Robbins. THANK YOU! This is priceless to my heart and actually distracted me from a very sad night with Aaron out of town (not a good combo)!
The holidays are getting harder and I am praying that I can make it through them. I am doing all I can so please, be patient with me. We should be planning a baby's 1st Christmas but, I am still trying to design a marker for the cemetery. Designing a marker for my son is not what I would recommend around the holidays but, I really want it in by Christmas! I have taken too long but, I have done what I could! I will be sending proofs soon so be ready!
I have a swirling head, heart and soul of emotions and at times it is hard to even breathe. Sometimes I do good but, other times I feel like I am just beginning my journey. A hard moment this week is when Serenity tells a story (she remembers EVERYTHING)..."Remember when we were at Nana Vicki and Papa Alan's house and we were all singing Happy Birthday." I said "yes." "Serenity says well they all call you Treasure but, I call you mama." I say, "Yes, because to them I am Treasure and to you I am your mommy. Only you and baby brother am I mommy." She thinks a second and says, "yes, you are." "Oh, mommy I miss baby brother and wish I had someone to play with." Aaron and I's hearts break, we were so close. We did all we could! Even as I read this I want to delete the last sentence. But, I will not tonight! If I had known his life was in danger, I WOULD of gone to the hospital.
One last thing, tomorrow is the meeting with an artist for the scuplture for the Healing Garden at the Ronald McDonald house. I am so excited and will be posting pics of the garden. It looks incredible! What an honor to have a garden being dedicated in Sterling's memory. I LOVE RMH!
Monday, December 8, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Fall 2008
Wow! I cannot believe how long it has been since I have written. I'm not sure if that is good or not because I have a lot to say!
As you can tell we have been very busy this summer and it has been just what I have needed. Precious time with our families, trips to California, time together as a family. It has all been very healing.
A huge thank you to our families who made two trips out to California possible to be spoiled, pampered, and loved on. The beach and french fries are two of my favorite things. That's funny am I turning into Mary Poppins ? Nah.
I am getting ready to post pictures of Serenity being Hannah Montana for Halloween. We took her to her school carnival as well. She had a great time! The cutest story was when we were playing the games and Serenity insisted on playing the hockey goal game. She says "watch, me. I'm gonna make two goals." She did!
She is so cute as Hannah Montana (thanks mom & dad for the costume) and it was actually a warm Halloween here. We spent the night with the Coleman's for our annual tradition and went Trick-or-Treating in their neighborhood, then we went to the Vista Grande Baptist Church for their Halloween carnival. It was great.
The other pics I'm posting are of Serenity and two of her cousins Aiden & Chase playing in the leaves. They are great with each other and they all have a great time together. These are precious moments. Let them be little......
The last pics are of Serenity's Thanksgiving feast. They had this feast with another Kindergarten class. Serenity's class were the pilgrims and the other class were the Indians. They had a lot of fun! We brought cupcakes decorated like turkeys and they were a hit. Yeah, I know it should be fruit and veggies.
As you can tell we have been very busy this summer and it has been just what I have needed. Precious time with our families, trips to California, time together as a family. It has all been very healing.
A huge thank you to our families who made two trips out to California possible to be spoiled, pampered, and loved on. The beach and french fries are two of my favorite things. That's funny am I turning into Mary Poppins ? Nah.
I am getting ready to post pictures of Serenity being Hannah Montana for Halloween. We took her to her school carnival as well. She had a great time! The cutest story was when we were playing the games and Serenity insisted on playing the hockey goal game. She says "watch, me. I'm gonna make two goals." She did!
She is so cute as Hannah Montana (thanks mom & dad for the costume) and it was actually a warm Halloween here. We spent the night with the Coleman's for our annual tradition and went Trick-or-Treating in their neighborhood, then we went to the Vista Grande Baptist Church for their Halloween carnival. It was great.
The other pics I'm posting are of Serenity and two of her cousins Aiden & Chase playing in the leaves. They are great with each other and they all have a great time together. These are precious moments. Let them be little......
The last pics are of Serenity's Thanksgiving feast. They had this feast with another Kindergarten class. Serenity's class were the pilgrims and the other class were the Indians. They had a lot of fun! We brought cupcakes decorated like turkeys and they were a hit. Yeah, I know it should be fruit and veggies.
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