Serenity Reading....

Serenity read her 1st sight word book on Sunday the 21st....can you believe it?

Healing Garden pics- August/September

Our New Normal........

During the last 5 months I have been terrified what has been referred to as the "new normal". I knew that I was not perfect and that I have a lot of things I need to work on. But, overall I did not feel like I was a bad person. I also felt like my life was about to become "perfect." Then we lost Sterling Michael, the other half of my heart.

But, with meeting with Maria, people from Church, my family and friends. I have come to slowly accept the "new normal" and realize that can be filled with moments of laughter and hope. I pray for the day when it is more than moments.
Maria has been teaching me so much about myself like to stand up for myself when my feelings are hurt. Also, to learn to say "no" to somethings I am asked to do. This has been challenging but, I am working on it.

I met with Stu, he led our funeral service for Sterling. He is a pastor at our FABULOUS church but, more importantly he is a great guy who loves GOD, his family and others. He has continued to be there for Aaron and I and is planning the OCT. 15th event with me. This is fast approaching and is needing a lot of attention and support. Stu's wife is pregnant with a precious baby boy and he has still been there even though I am sure it has been hard. I pray for their family. I thank him for caring our "Team Davis."

My family has continued to be so great on SO many things. I just really want to thank all of you. I know during our journey I have not been thankful. But, I am thankful and feel very loved and fortunate to have all of my family. Most of you know that Aaron and I have a HUGE family. Thank you for dropping everything to be by our sides when Sterling went to Heaven. This has meant more to us than you all can know or imagine.
We have been working so hard on the Healing Garden at the Ronald McDonald house. The garden is in Sterling's memory & I am sooo proud of. I have great people that I work on it (Chris, Beth, Susan...etc) with and Aaron has been working on it every weekend. I am so proud of him for taking the project on. We have all of the sprinkler work done, 90% of the planting, edging in, a massive custom waterfall (donated by Paradise Ponds in Monument), and a concrete heart custom designed by Lyn (Aaron's mom) and Allan in the middle of the garden. The concrete heart is more than what I could of hoped for and you know I have high expectations. There is still a ton of work to do but, it is really coming together now and I am honored to have this garden to honor Serenity and remember Sterling. We have had so many incredible volunteers and they have worked so hard. We even had our best friends Louie and Heather make a BIG donation to the garden in Sterling's memory and bring the blue balloons on Aaron's birthday which reminds me of Sterling.
I have a lot to be thankful for!
I may have lost a few "friends" but, I know that they are just not sure of what to say. The best advice I can give is to not say anything but, just be there. I know that there are no magic words....I've tried them all. But, just to call and say hi and I am thinking of you. A handful of friends have been so supportive and I CANNOT imagine them not being in my life.
You absolutely find out who your friends are......
The cards I received helped me so much for the first 5 weeks. I never knew how much I loved mail!
One of my friends who was also one of my last clients before Sterling went to Heaven took me aside the other day to say when it is my time for heaven, don't walk.....run to Sterling.
You had better believe it, no matter how I have to get there I could beat any Olympic record that day.
My office has been so supportive and caring. I have really needed to rebuild my confidence for work. You have to be on your A game for real estate, which I am still struggling with. But, my managing broker and even the owner of my company has really reached out so that I know they are there. They have both gone through the loss of having a child go to Heaven.

I have also gained some incredible "sisters" who know exactly what I feel like now. Most of them are from my SHARE group which if you are not aware of please Google this non-profit. They are so helpful in healing. Most people would think going over it month after month would be sad. But, it is not. We get issues, concerns and feelings out that we are free to express without judgment! We are also not allowed to say sorry for crying! If anyone would like to come with me it is also open to husbands, friends and grandparents. When you hear other stories about life, unfortunately, you always are made aware that someone ALWAYS has it worse than you do. This is crazy to think of but, it also gives a chance to be thankful and hopeful for what you DO have. Now, I am not always following my own ideas or advice but, I am really working on it.

My last three thank you's go to Aaron, Serenity and Sterling. I am blessed to have you all apart of me. Aaron has put up with so much. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm on the floor. Thank goodness we have shielded Serenity from all of this. I know that I have been hard to live with...sometimes I do not even want to be around myself. But, he continues to be a great dad and supportive of my feelings!
Serenity and Sterling are my heart. Serenity still continues to tell stories of her baby brother and I love them. She is doing so good in school and we are so blessed that everyone is so supportive of us. She is a smart, beautiful, funny, loving and caring girl......that we are blessed to have in our lives. Sterling Michael has opened my eyes to the world and has made me so aware of things that I was not aware of. Somethings I want you all to know about:

SADS is an acronym for "Sudden Antenatal Death Syndrome" a clinical term for "stillbirth". Similar sounding to "Sudden Infant Death Syndrome" SADS claims over 10 times as many babies' every year as does SIDS.

An estimated 26,000 SADS deaths occur annually in the U. S., many of them at or near full term. Stated another way, 1 in every 115 deliveries is a "still" baby. Despite advances in so many areas of obstetrics, the incidence of stillbirths in many states has been rising in over the past decade.

Stillbirths are as random as raindrops. 1 in every 115 deliveries is a "still" baby.

My personal prayer request~Please pray for my anxiety.

Thank you for reading! It means a lot to me!

Aaron's Birthday.....Mom's beware!

Yesterday was my love's 36th birthday. Can you believe we have been dating since he was 21?
He is absolutely one of the best men I have ever known (I think I am surrounded by the rest of the greatest guys). I am so proud to have him as my husband.
I must admit that I am a little Type A, I like everything perfect and planned. As you all know my life has been anything but,
But, I keep on working at it.
I insist that my husband buy my card days before my birthday, and I am normally so planned.
But this year was unlike any other I woke up to forgetting for a moment that it was Aaron's birthday. Why? I have no idea. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I am broken and a new person I must be.
My poor mom called me at that moment while I was loosing all control and I know it must break her to hear my cries. Parents want to make it all better, but they can't.
(No daddy mud will fix this.....although it has fixed a lot and is a miracle mud)
It is still a daily choice and sometime minute by minute choice to go on.
I held a beautiful and fun party to celebrate my incredible husband.
There is no one I would rather have by my side for the rest of my life & eternity.

Poems and Sayings......Heartbreaking & Touching!

"We were blessed to have you with us, if only for a day
The love we have for you, no one can ever take away.
O how we wish you could have stayed a little longer,
To fill our life's up with joy, hope and laughter.
Although you're not here with us, you're never too far,
Your memory lives in our hearts, in a breeze, on a star.
We look up to Heaven, and know you are there,
Playing with the angels and laughing while pulling their hair!
We were blessed to have you with us, if only for a while,
We think of you happily playing in Heaven, grinning your cute little smile."
~Author~ Tammy Becker- NILMDTS Member, Parent

As Long As I Live, You Will Live
As Long As I Live, You Will Be Remembered
As Long As I Live, You Will Be Loved...
Author unknown

"To Remember Is Painful
To Forget Is Impossible."
~Maureen Connelly

"A Life may last for just a moment....
but a memory can make that moment last forever..."

"Loved with a love beyond telling,
Missed with a grief beyond all tears."

Sometimes, Love is for a moment.
Sometimes, Love is for a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime.

"Only love gives us the taste of Eternity" - Jewish Proverb

In love, our baby was conceived, With joy, the good news was received. In hope, we waited the long months through, With sadness, we gave him back to You. With love, You reached down your gentle hand. In pain, though we could not understand .With strength, You turned our weakness around. In You, our Hope and Peace is found -author unknown-

"I wrote your name in the sand...but the waves washed it away,I wrote your name in the sky..but the wind blew it away,I wrote your name in my heart...and forever it would stay."

"Where there are no memories, let the heart find the memories that would have been."

Families are Forever
You came here for a moment,
Just a spec in time,
But as you see dear child,
Forever you'll be mine!
Families are Forever
and forever ours will be.
So, although our time was brief
I know you'll be waiting for me.
You were too perfect and special
to stay here very long.
Some people say, "How unfortunate."
But I say they are wrong!
Our family's very lucky.
A choice spirit came to us.
We gave him all he needed,
And all he knew was love.
Our time together here on earth
was moments it is true...
But nothing will take away
that day when forever we'll be with you!-Bree Anderson

GOD
I asked for strength,...and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for wisdom,...and God gave me problems to solve.
I asked for prosperity,...and God gave me brain and brawn to work.
I asked for courage,...and God gave me danger to overcome.
I asked for love,...and God gave me troubled people to help.
I asked for favors,...and God gave me opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted,...I received everything I needed.
GOD knows when you are tired and discouraged from fruitless effort.
GOD knows how hard you have tried,when you've cried so long, your heart is in anguish.
GOD has counted your tears. If you feel that your life is on hold and time has passed you by,GOD is waiting for you.
When nothing makes sense and you are confused or frustrated,GOD has the answer.
If, suddenly, your outlook is brighter and you find traces of hope,GOD has whispered to you.

What My Child Has Taught Me
I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I've learned that learning to forgive takes a lot of practice.
I've learned that friends can become strangers, and strangers can become friends.
I've learned that ignorance isn't an excuse for the lack of compassion.
I've learned that some people will never, ever - "get it".
I've learned that the community of sorrow is the strongest of all.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of minutes.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that love isn't measured by the amount of time you have with someone.
I've learned that some sorrow is so deep that it has no words. But so is love.
What has your child taught you?

What is Normal?
Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Christmas, birthday, Valentine's day, and Easter.
Normal is discussing with a friend in the Netherlands how different
funeral customs are there than here. Discussing how much both our children loved the things they loved and how those things are now sitting lonely collecting dust.
Normal is talking to a co-worker and the conversation going toward how you felt after your child died.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or a birthday party. Yet, feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers, see that casket, and all the crying people.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming cause you just don't like to sit through church anymore.
Normal is going to bed feeling like your kids who are alive got cheated out of happy cheerful parents and instead they are stuck with sober,cautious people.
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your families' life.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's and why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise because the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every little girl or boy who looks about my angels age. And then thinking of the age my angel would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is seeing my daughter at the cemetery visiting her brothers grave and thinking, how could this be normal? She shouldn't have to be going through this.
Normal is singing a song and feeling really great about doing well,followed by an immediate down after thinking how my child would have said, "That was beautiful Momma" (whether it really was or not).
Normal is telling the story of my child's death as if it were an everyday common place activity and then gasping in horror at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become part of our normal.
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive those days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion. HappyBirthday? Not really.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of a penguin. Thinking how they would love it, but how they're here to enjoy it.
Normal is disliking jokes about death, funerals. Bodies being referred to as cadavers when you know they were once someone's loved one.
Normal is being impatient with everything but someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother and meeting for coffee and talking and crying together over our children and our new lives. And worrying together over our living children.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned house or did laundry or if there is any food in the house.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two or three children because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that one of them is in heaven. And yet when you say only two to avoid that problem you feel horrible as if you have betrayed that child.
Normal is feeling terribly hurt when you see your child's power point presentation at parent/teacher's conference and that child has listed no brother. Then you realize the way the information is set up there really is no logical place to list the brother who has died and went to heaven. And how awkward that must of been for him to think about the problem.
Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small happy children that break your heart when you see them.
Normal is wondering angrily a month later why your husband isn't still crying, while he wonders angrily why you haven't stopped.
Normal is planning alternate routes through stores so you don't have to be confronted with the "dreaded aisles," while nevertheless dodging strollers no matter which way you go.
Normal is not knowing whether or not you can accept an invitation to your cousin's wedding next month because you don't know if you will be having one of your breakdowns that day.
Normal is being afraid to surf the internet, watch TV, read a book or listen to the radio because of the world conspiring to salt your wounds by saying/showing the wrong things.
Normal is wanting another baby in your arms so badly you can taste it, but feeling so disloyal and being so, so afraid.
Normal is having an angel pin specifically designed for your child...not as a gift, but as a memorial.
Normal is sometimes forgetting that our own parents' hearts are broken twice...once for their lost grandchild, and again for their child who is lost in a sense just as final.
Normal is sitting outside at night, staring into the sky, wondering why you aren't one of the people blessed enough to see a sign or experience a miracle that you know is being sent just to comfort you.
Normal is sometimes not being able to bear looking at photo albums, and other times being so grateful they're covered in plastic so your endless flow of tears won't ruin the pictures...

Team Davis Updates:

I have tried to blog before this evening but, when I went to publish it, once again it erased. This has happened twice and when I was talking about Hope. Now, I am sure that it is user error. But, it was devastating.
Serenity Aryn~She is loving kindergarten so much. She has discovered "hot lunch" and getting to pick what she wants to eat by herself. She is checking out books from the school library but, she is already learning sight words! She knows red and yellow. Tomorrow she will wear yellow for the end of yellow week.
She is such a blessing and a great kid. I know that everyone says that about their child but, it is true.
She has also started Awanas this week and although she is very tired she is excited to go.

Serenity always has really great dreams. She usually dreams of rainbows and flowers falling out of the sky while she is riding a unicorn. How did she get so dramatic? you're right........Daddy.
But, the other day she climbed up on my lap to snuggle and let me hold her (yes, this is the best part of my day) and said mommy I had a dream about baby brother. I said what was it? Now, I love to hear these thoughts and stories but, it is also so hard to hear.
She said "I had a dream that baby brother was sleeping in a stroller and he was with us. But, then mommy he woke up. Do you know what color his eyes are?" She asked. I said "no but, probably brown like yours." She said "no, they are green like yours are."

Aaron has been busy working. He has also been taking an active role in the Healing Garden which means a lot to me. He is golfing at the Broadmoor's east course on Oct. 3rd for the Ronald McDonald House Golf Tournament. We just came back from a weekend at Winter Park/Estes Park where we got to see a lot of deer, elk and moose. We went down the Alpine slide and Aimee drove over the pass....yes, it was soooo scary but, she is a brave girl. It is the highest paved highway in America. She had no idea.
Aaron and Travis enjoyed fishing all weekend. They did not catch a lot of fish but, enjoyed themselves.
The last day we all hiked up to a waterfall and had a picnic. It was so nice. The three girls were such little hikers. They all did so good and act like three little sisters.

I have been busy trying to go back to work, it is busy. But, my heart is in my projects. I have a ton but, the three that I am really working on are the Healing Garden, October 15th and my scrapbook.
My scrapbook is dedicated in Sterling's memory and even though it is hard to do. I really love when I get to work on it. I wrote a memory book and I am putting it together to see how I like it. No, there are no memory baby books for people who loose their children and we need one. I will show you all when I am done if you would like to see it.
My October 15th event took a step back and I was really questioning if I was meant to do this event by God. But, the next day my Dr. lined up to have Jared Anderson sing from New Life. He wrote a beautiful song called Heaven. We have had to change some things but, it is all for the better. Sometimes, there are people in your life who want to bring you down. But, when I come down I come crashing down and it takes a while to dust off. I have to realize that everyone has their own issues and their own journeys and sometimes they do not mesh with mine.
Our Healing Garden is AMAZING! We have an amazing group that I am proud to work with and they all work so hard to get things done. We have had so much donated that we will have a big portion done by the end of September. I even have a custom waterfall donated from Paradise Ponds in Monument. Everything is coming together and I am honored that this will be dedicated on Sterling's 1st Heaven birthday. Invitations to follow. I will post pictures soon of the garden.

At church we had another unbelievable service that I will blog about later but, one great quote is "Trust an unknown future, to a known GOD."

Beautiful Poem

Oh Mother, my mother

Oh mother, my mother
I touch your tears
invisible fingers
soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
in the day, in the night,
in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am...in your heart
in your soul, I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly
of yourself.
Inside of you, you created
such a world of laughter, of love
of sadness, of sorrow
every emotion people come to know
you shared with me.
And even though I may never
feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
and your spirit giving me a safe heaven
already protecting me
nurturing me
preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey
of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on
to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision
I could make
and I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
you gave me courage to
go on my journey
I hope I can do the same
for you
Your heart beat will always
call me to you.

Love, your child