As of today, I will have 13 weeks left, then I will have an amino and be induced. I know that I have only made it this far by the Grace of GOD.
As I have journeyed through this process, I am amazed by the "triggers." The smell of the hospital soap, the doppler, the ultrasounds, and yes, pulling out the pregnancy clothes once again.
I am so glad that after Sterling was in heaven that I put away my "special" items to be treasured in his hope chest.
Although, this is a journey that we are so excited about. It also brings about all of our fears, doubts and having to rely on our Faith.
Don't worry about tomorrow GOD is already there. Is my favorite line for the time being.
The baby looks perfect and we are having no issues. I go in on the 17th for my last ultrasound of cervix and growth of the year.
I cannot believe it has been this long since I wrote anything. I really feel like I have had soo much to say I just did not know where to start.
Well, I started!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Meeting with Brad and Kasey Ewing
We had our SHARE meeting last night with Brad and Kasey Ewing as the guest speakers(Aaron went with me and it was such a nice treat to have his continued support).
They are amazing worship leaders at a local church. They lost their 23 mo. son by Brad accidentally backing into him at their home. This happened about 8 years ago.
It is remarkable to see them as they have weathered this journey and are making it another day and honoring their son's memory (Jacob).
They were told the divorce rate is 98%+ for people who have lost children. They gave us tips to keep our marriage strong and alive. It is easy for it to die along with your broken heart. Please continue to pray for us. We are both working so hard!
They also talked about how they do not have guilt. Guilt is straight from the enemy. This is easier said than truly believed but, it is a process. He reminded us.....if you could give anything to make things different would you? Of course, then it was an accident. We all know that we would give anything, and I know you all would as well. We all lost that day.
They also talked about not looking to far into the future and truly in the early years to just continue to take life one day at a time. Do your best to make each day the best you can. That is great advice for me. If I think too far in advance it gets to overwhelming. It is amazing how the things that I used to take for granted are such huge deals now. When I can accomplish them or see my family accomplish them I am so proud.
Grief is so unpredictable....it is a journey and a process.
They are amazing worship leaders at a local church. They lost their 23 mo. son by Brad accidentally backing into him at their home. This happened about 8 years ago.
It is remarkable to see them as they have weathered this journey and are making it another day and honoring their son's memory (Jacob).
They were told the divorce rate is 98%+ for people who have lost children. They gave us tips to keep our marriage strong and alive. It is easy for it to die along with your broken heart. Please continue to pray for us. We are both working so hard!
They also talked about how they do not have guilt. Guilt is straight from the enemy. This is easier said than truly believed but, it is a process. He reminded us.....if you could give anything to make things different would you? Of course, then it was an accident. We all know that we would give anything, and I know you all would as well. We all lost that day.
They also talked about not looking to far into the future and truly in the early years to just continue to take life one day at a time. Do your best to make each day the best you can. That is great advice for me. If I think too far in advance it gets to overwhelming. It is amazing how the things that I used to take for granted are such huge deals now. When I can accomplish them or see my family accomplish them I am so proud.
Grief is so unpredictable....it is a journey and a process.
poem...Don't think I do not grieve
Don't think I do not feel:
because you see no tears.
A river rages deep inside
of grief, and loss, and fears.
Just because I do not cry now,
don't think my heart's not broken.
I keep inside the misery
of words not to be spoken.
Sometimes I smile, or crack a joke,
so you won't see the pain;
or notice how my hands will shake,
or how I've gone insane.
Each time i think of him,
my heart is ripped asunder.
The loss I feel is mine alone.
you will not see my thunder.
by Brenda Penepent
because you see no tears.
A river rages deep inside
of grief, and loss, and fears.
Just because I do not cry now,
don't think my heart's not broken.
I keep inside the misery
of words not to be spoken.
Sometimes I smile, or crack a joke,
so you won't see the pain;
or notice how my hands will shake,
or how I've gone insane.
Each time i think of him,
my heart is ripped asunder.
The loss I feel is mine alone.
you will not see my thunder.
by Brenda Penepent
Friday, June 12, 2009
Kisses from Heaven................
We have little silver hearts (confetti) that we leave at the cemetary and we call them kisses.
They stay in one place in my center console of my car and we ONLY use them at the cemetary.
Well, I have been getting kisses back.
The first time, I received kisses I was at the gym. This gym is very new and very clean. I was with Aimee C. and I went to get a box for step-ups in the corner. When I went to grab the box there was the exact little silver heart, just one, for me. I had not been to the cemetary for a few weeks.
The second time, I received kisses was in my bed. I was making our bed and it was the day before Mother's day. I threw the comforter up on my bed only to spot the little heart on my comforter where my pillow goes. It was not imbedded in the comforter and I grabbed it right off. I was planning on going to the cemetary on mother's day.
The third time, I received kisses was while working. I was busy showing houses all day. We went into a 4,000 sq. foot + house. While going in to unlock the back doors I spotted it by the back door stairs..... you guessed it, the exact little silver heart.
Now, some people are skepital at this point but, the home was a bank-owned, vacant home that I had not been lived in for many months.
I hope you all enjoy kisses from heaven....they come in many ways, and when you least expect them.
The simplest ways.
They stay in one place in my center console of my car and we ONLY use them at the cemetary.
Well, I have been getting kisses back.
The first time, I received kisses I was at the gym. This gym is very new and very clean. I was with Aimee C. and I went to get a box for step-ups in the corner. When I went to grab the box there was the exact little silver heart, just one, for me. I had not been to the cemetary for a few weeks.
The second time, I received kisses was in my bed. I was making our bed and it was the day before Mother's day. I threw the comforter up on my bed only to spot the little heart on my comforter where my pillow goes. It was not imbedded in the comforter and I grabbed it right off. I was planning on going to the cemetary on mother's day.
The third time, I received kisses was while working. I was busy showing houses all day. We went into a 4,000 sq. foot + house. While going in to unlock the back doors I spotted it by the back door stairs..... you guessed it, the exact little silver heart.
Now, some people are skepital at this point but, the home was a bank-owned, vacant home that I had not been lived in for many months.
I hope you all enjoy kisses from heaven....they come in many ways, and when you least expect them.
The simplest ways.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Yesterday~Leona Lewis To hear song~please pause playlist at bottom of blog~press 4th video down on left side (sidebar). Girl holding umbrella.
"Yesterday"
I just cant believe your gone, still waitin for mornin to come, when i see if the sun will
Rise,in the way that your by my side, oooo where we had so much in store, tell me what is it
All reaching for, when were through building memories il hold yesterday in my heart, in my heart
[Chorus]
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made, they can take the music that wel never play, all
The broken dreams, take everything, just take it away, but they can never have yesterday, they
Can take the future that wel never know they can take the places that we said we will go, all
The broken dreams take everything, just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
You always choose to stay, i should be thankful for everyday, heaven knows what the future
Holds, or least where the story goes, i never believed untill now, i know il see you again im
Sure, no its not selfish to ask for more, one more night one more day one more smile on your
Face but they cant take yesterday,
[Chorus]
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made, they take the music that wel never play, all the
Broken dreams take everythin, just take it away, but they can never have yesterday, they can
Take the future that wel never know, they can take the places that we said we will go, all the
Broken dreams, take everything, just take it away, but they can never have yesterday.
I thought our days would last forever, but it wasnt our destiny, coz in my mind we had so much
Time, but i was so wrong, no i can believe me i can still find the strengh in the moments we
Made im lookin back on yesterday
I just cant believe your gone, still waitin for mornin to come, when i see if the sun will
Rise,in the way that your by my side, oooo where we had so much in store, tell me what is it
All reaching for, when were through building memories il hold yesterday in my heart, in my heart
[Chorus]
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made, they can take the music that wel never play, all
The broken dreams, take everything, just take it away, but they can never have yesterday, they
Can take the future that wel never know they can take the places that we said we will go, all
The broken dreams take everything, just take it away, but they can never have yesterday
You always choose to stay, i should be thankful for everyday, heaven knows what the future
Holds, or least where the story goes, i never believed untill now, i know il see you again im
Sure, no its not selfish to ask for more, one more night one more day one more smile on your
Face but they cant take yesterday,
[Chorus]
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made, they take the music that wel never play, all the
Broken dreams take everythin, just take it away, but they can never have yesterday, they can
Take the future that wel never know, they can take the places that we said we will go, all the
Broken dreams, take everything, just take it away, but they can never have yesterday.
I thought our days would last forever, but it wasnt our destiny, coz in my mind we had so much
Time, but i was so wrong, no i can believe me i can still find the strengh in the moments we
Made im lookin back on yesterday
Monday, March 23, 2009
My shoes.....
"A Pair of Shoes"
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had a different pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author unknown
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had a different pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author unknown
Monday, February 16, 2009
My ramblings.................
This blog was set up to be a way to communicate with my family and friends so that I do not have to keep telling the same stories over and over. I set up also so that I could explain better when Aaron says "oh, we're fine." Sometimes that is true but, other times as you know it is not. I am not sure if my family likes the blog but, it has been a healing tool for me.
The grieving moms will understand that sometimes you feel like nobody is listening and nobody understands. It is nice to know that someone may not understand but, they are there. No matter where you are, how you feel, and what is going on there are some people that you can call who love you as you ARE. Thanks for loving me as I am! Everything seems to have changed and it is nice to know that love has not.
I have this blog to be completely honest and although my husband, may not appreciate my honesty sometimes, that is all I have.
Aaron and I went to counseling the other day and it was the best thing that we have done since we lost Sterling. Brent forced us to talk about a couple of things that we have not talked about. He also reinforced that the love between us is still there, he could see it. I have always known it was there but, when you have a critically ill child and then you loose a child that strains some marriages sometimes beyond repair. I have never been more proud of the man I married than when we shared our feelings. It is nice to just be on the same page even though it is tattered and torn.
Tonight Serenity got out of the bath herself, put lotion on, put her jammies on, and brushed her hair. I'm not ready! I am not ready to not be needed yet. I know the parents can relate but, I'm not ready.
She cracks me up and wants to go bungee jumping.....WHY? It has to be the preemie in her.
She is the most amazing child I have ever been around and I am honored to be her mom.
I would also have a 9 month old son, wow! how different life would be? I am realizing that not only do I have to deal with Sterling Michael not being here (the most precious baby) but, I also have to deal with all of the memories that we will not have.
I had finally accepted that we would not have anymore children after Serenity and then here comes my precious Sterling. He opened the door. Was the door opened only for Sterling and Serenity? God only knows.
I found this saying and I love it......
We are richer by far to have had you a moment that to never have held you at all.
The 12 hours that I held Sterling are priceless and I will forever honor that I was able to love on my precious son.
All grieving mothers have regrets...I wish I had done, or had, etc. But, one thing we must hold on to is that we did what we could at the moment. This is not an easy thing to say or believe but, I am saying it everyday. Everyday that I am saying it has a different meaning. What a crazy "new normal"!
The grieving moms will understand that sometimes you feel like nobody is listening and nobody understands. It is nice to know that someone may not understand but, they are there. No matter where you are, how you feel, and what is going on there are some people that you can call who love you as you ARE. Thanks for loving me as I am! Everything seems to have changed and it is nice to know that love has not.
I have this blog to be completely honest and although my husband, may not appreciate my honesty sometimes, that is all I have.
Aaron and I went to counseling the other day and it was the best thing that we have done since we lost Sterling. Brent forced us to talk about a couple of things that we have not talked about. He also reinforced that the love between us is still there, he could see it. I have always known it was there but, when you have a critically ill child and then you loose a child that strains some marriages sometimes beyond repair. I have never been more proud of the man I married than when we shared our feelings. It is nice to just be on the same page even though it is tattered and torn.
Tonight Serenity got out of the bath herself, put lotion on, put her jammies on, and brushed her hair. I'm not ready! I am not ready to not be needed yet. I know the parents can relate but, I'm not ready.
She cracks me up and wants to go bungee jumping.....WHY? It has to be the preemie in her.
She is the most amazing child I have ever been around and I am honored to be her mom.
I would also have a 9 month old son, wow! how different life would be? I am realizing that not only do I have to deal with Sterling Michael not being here (the most precious baby) but, I also have to deal with all of the memories that we will not have.
I had finally accepted that we would not have anymore children after Serenity and then here comes my precious Sterling. He opened the door. Was the door opened only for Sterling and Serenity? God only knows.
I found this saying and I love it......
We are richer by far to have had you a moment that to never have held you at all.
The 12 hours that I held Sterling are priceless and I will forever honor that I was able to love on my precious son.
All grieving mothers have regrets...I wish I had done, or had, etc. But, one thing we must hold on to is that we did what we could at the moment. This is not an easy thing to say or believe but, I am saying it everyday. Everyday that I am saying it has a different meaning. What a crazy "new normal"!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Sanctity of Life Week......Selah & Todd & Angie Smith
This story starts long before today.
On April 7th, 2008 Todd and Angie Smith gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Audrey Caroline who lived for 2 1/2 hours.
If you have not seen their youtube video (if you are my family, you have already seen this amazing video that captures their family and takes your breath away.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqXLS-crNfU
If the guy (Todd) looks familiar he is the lead singer to the incredibly talented band Selah. As we were talking today to Amy and Allan (not seen here but, the other two in Selah). They told us an incredible story to the song "I will carry you." It is an amazing song and I cannot wait until it is released. Selah wrote this song to pay tribute to Audrey Caroline and while they were recording the song at Allan's studio Audrey was kicking in Angie's belly. The doctors had told her that Audrey would not kick due to no amniotic fluid but Audrey did and kicked a lot while they were recording the song. Glory to GOD.
Why did I not get a picture with them, they are incredible!
After we lost Sterling Michael I was stumbling on the Internet to find something to ease my heart. I must admit that I have been angry and hurt with GOD. At first I tried to deny it because he had Sterling and how could I be mad at the caregiver to my precious perfect son. But, then I decided to admit it since he already knows anyways. Who was I kidding?
I say stumbled but I was led by GOD to find her video and watch it 100 times. It spoke to my soul. Then I came across her blog and began to read the entire blog. It is FABULOUS and if you have anytime I would suggest this reading. I have a link to her blog on the bottom of my blog on the left side. Her blog is called "Bring The Rain." I became a "Sunday" and found myself crying and laughing right along side her. Even though I have never met her I felt like I knew her. She is so real and doesn't pretend to be anything she is not. That is why she has thousands of "Sundays" read her blog from all over the Country.
The months have passed since Sterling's has gone to be with Jesus and at times I feel like the world is still going even though I do not want it too. Sometimes even though there are a hundred people who want to support you and be with you. You feel alone. Her blog has ministered to me and even though our children had different diagnosis' they are playing in Heaven together. This is a feeling that I cannot explain only that it gives me Hope to walk with someone who is going along the same journey.
While reading her blog I came across that she was coming to Focus on the Family. Hey, that is here in Colorado Springs. I immediately got on the phone to call my dear friend and former boss Denise Burt to get Aaron and I in to see them perform and share their story. She used to work at Focus and knows everyone there. Not only did that happen but, we had second row tickets and we were taken to speak to them after they were done with their performance. I was so excited. I am never excited anymore and I actually found myself excited. The service was beautiful and it is Sanctity of Life week. This week is to celebrate life in all stages. For more info please check out http://www.heartlink.org/beavoice.
Focus is doing amazing things including Option Ultrasound which is saving babies from abortion all over the Country.
Before I go, Angie while on stage was cracking us up because they kept zooming in on her and she turned to see her "big head on the screen." Angie is anything but big. But, after I got home and looked at this picture I once again knew what she meant. Why didn't I have them take two or fifteen for me to choose from?? Please excuse me in this picture.
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