Broken.....

If this makes you cry...I have given fair warning.....(mom's).

I found this song by Diamond Rio and I know it can be heard to mean different things but, to me today this has been my song. I have played so many times.

It has been 4 months today..........

I said hello, I think I am broken.......

(and I wonder if I will ever feel whole again?)
One day at a time, One step a time sometimes is too great. I feel all alone.

At the cemetery today where Sterling's body is there is another new baby. That is 6 babies since Sterling Michael~ONLY 4 months. This is at only one of the cemetery's in town, not including the other cemetery, babies who are cremated, buried in the hospital plot, or to all the people that this is happening to outside of Colorado Springs. What is going on??????
Seeing this new baby plot was not in my plans but, NONE of this journey was.
I have to come to understand that I am not in control~this is hard and a constant reminder in my head. None of us are in control!

But, with all of this pain that I have and will endure I am still.....

A PROUD mother to two beautiful miracle children.

And I bless the day I met you

And I thank God that he let you

Lay beside me for a moment that lives on

and the good news is I'm better for

the time we spent together

And the bad news is your gone......

I would not change my life even though this is journey is so hard and challenging. I am so lucky to have had Sterling for a moment and to hold him for 12 hours, he also has an incredible big sister. I wish I could hold him again here and now but, the pain letting him go is too severe and crushing. So, I will wait for the Lord to call me home and know that I will have no more pain when I am with him again. I will be so happy when we are all together in Heaven.

now I know god has his reasons

Embut sometimes it hard to see them

Ewhen I awake and find that your not there
(I still wake up with my hand on my stomach waiting for him to kick).

The other day in the car after picking Serenity up from school she was extra precious. I had Sterling's pictures in the sleeve from Now I lay me down to sleep in the backseat. I am working on the healing garden and anytime I bring up th garden I want people to know what my son looks like. So she hopped in the car and asked to look at the pictures.
I said "well, you can but, they are of baby brother just so you know." She said "that's okay."
She looks at them and says "oh, mama he is identical to me." I said "Oh, yes he is."
"Mama he is so cute." "Yes, he is perfect just like you."
"Mama when you get to heaven, I know that you will be so happy to see him."
"Oh, yes I will and I will wait up there for you to join me in a long, long time."

This is priceless to me, these innocent and beautiful moments.

I read into everything and I try to see meaning and signs out of everything. I have been told this is normal and I find it very reassuring.
I went dancing the other night with my sister and best friend Heather. I thought I wanted to go but much to my surprise I had NO desire. I still had a nice time but, not into it at all. I am at the stage where I feel guilty for having a smile. I feel guilty when I am not feeling bad 24/7. This is a hard stage. So I stood in the corner all night and watched everyone having fun. I felt like my life had stopped and everyone else was going on as usual. It is a crazy feeling. We left and I was so sad, I used to LOVE to dance and have fun.
The next morning I was up early and off to church which normally, I do not go to alone (Aaron was camping). But, I really wanted to go to church. So, I went and the service (at my incredible church~Woodmen Valley Chapel). The service was on learning to dance with broken bones.
Getting out there to dance and deal with your "new" body. The best part was when Matt asked "Have you ever cried alone?" I said "yes." Matt said "YOU WERE NEVER ALONE." God is always with you and puts your tears in his bottle. WOW!
It was a great service and I really feel God connecting with me at this church. The services are always like this to me.

I also have been feeling really "attacked." I feel like I am drowning in the ocean and every time I try to grab onto the life boat a wave knocks me backwards and pushes me to the bottom. I have a choice to give up the fight or to keep fighting knowing that I will make it onto the boat."

I have chosen in my minute by minute battle to NOT give up and TO have HOPE. Only I can make myself better and I have to take time and not rush myself.

I came across this poem/saying today and I love it:

"I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is my keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart."

I am blessed to have been given my children for the time that GOD has given and will continue to give me and Aaron.

School pics- To view please pause the playlist player at the very bottom of blog. Then go back up to click the play button on the remix. Enjoy!

Serenity's First day of school!

Serenity first of all slept in her bed all night and woke up at 7am on her own. That was a huge miracle in itself. She was sleeping in her own bed until I broke her of that after Sterling passed away. I could not help myself.
She was so good, ate a great breakfast, and looked so cute on her first day! She has two of her best buds in class and we were also very excited to see them.
We had an orientation when we got into the classroom, put her supplies away with a fun scavenger hunt and then all sat down for a book. I think the book was geared toward all the parents but, the kids liked it too.
Serenity had a good but very tiring first day! When we got into the car we asked her all about her day. Here is a short recap:
What did you do today? Had 3 recesses
What did you eat today? I see all of your lunch is here except for the watermelon-yogurt balls and oreos? Oh, I ate Ashly's lunch she had cheese, crackers and ham.
Was there a teacher there to help with opening your lunch stuff? Yes, three teachers.
Did you take a tour of the school? Yes, and we got a little lost after leaving the lunch room.
Do you like your teacher? Yes, she is very nice.
Are you okay? Yes, but VERY SLEEPY.
Did you take a nap? No, Ashly and I kept waking up.
After school snack consisted of everything in the house:
cashews, raisins, mini fruit roll-up, beef jerky, water and four mini oreos left from lunch.
Mommy got all of the homework completed and is ready for tomorrow. Can you believe that I did not cry? I'm sure it is coming.
Thanks for praying and thinking of us today. We had a great day!

Marriage Getaway

July 24th-26th we spent the weekend at Glen Eryie's beautiful historic castle here in Colorado Springs. We are quite embarrassed that we did not even know that this was in Colorado Springs. For all of you that have not been to the Navigator's Glen Eryie~this is a must see. Plan time to get around and hike and enjoy the beautiful surroundings.
The weekend was for couples who had lost their children. The conference was brought to our attention by my fabulous nurse Cindy Ii, who many of you know came back to assist me in delivering Sterling Michael after she was off work. She then took the time to care, bathe and dress our precious son. She and I have kept in contact and she means sooo much to me.
The conference was good and very beneficial for Aaron and I to go to. Not only was it healing for us individually but, us as a couple. It gave us the opportunity to discuss and share our feelings, fears and many other emotions. The best thing about this group was their willing to embrace everyone no matter how different our situations are. There were no hidden agendas, no trying to impress one another and it was a great weekend for us to just be ourselves, be open and honest. We took information from each of the couples as they shared their stories and even cried with them. All of these people are strong and I am honored that we were able to share this time together. Of course, I wish we did not have to at all. But, who would?
The picture of the butterfly is so special/humorous to me. I was in the gift shop looking around and I came across some cards with different pics. of Glen Eryie. I loved the cards and wondered if I could take the same pics. I knew that I could try but, I really wanted a pic. of a butterfly and was a little disappointed knowing that I may not get that photo. Later in the day we had a tour of the castle to learn about the history of the castle and then Aaron and I continued exploring after the tour. After we were done I was going out of the castle and I came across a butterfly looking exactly like this and I was so excited. Aaron was a little confused (which makes me laugh) because I was sooo excited! I then informed him of my gift shop visit and then he understood. He still did not understand the full meaning of my excitement but, that is okay~I'm very hard to figure out these days. I don't understand myself sometimes.
The picture of the rocks and branch was on the last day we all found a rock/branch that reminded us of our child/children/journey that we brought to our group to share stories about. The stories were so amazing. Then we all laid cards inside of something that we needed to let go of. This was very moving and beautiful.
I will have more pics to post but, I need to get them developed. These pics were taken by Jay and Lisa and they did an amazing job!

Marriage getaway